The LORD hates us; so he brought us out of Egypt to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us. (Deuteronomy 1:26)

Moses then gives a totally different perspective of the same situation:

The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.  (Deuteronomy 1:30-31)

The Israelites believed the Lord’s intent was hate while his true motivation was a fatherly love and they were convinced of their pending doom while in actuality the Lord was fighting for their good.

The first rule of waterskiing is, “Don’t look down at the water,” which of course is naturally what new skiers want to do. The skiers’ adage that instructors tell new skiers says, “If you look down you’ll fall down.” Israel focused on the wrong thing by looking at their circumstances and therefore concluded that God hated them while Caleb, in the midst of the same conditions, looked at the character of God and found courage.

Your friendship serves as a point of reference for your disciple as he is tossed back and forth between his despair that God is failing him and his belief in the goodness of God. Just as the instructor in the boat yells to the new water-skier, “Don’t look down at the water!” so your role is remind your disciple to focus on the character of God and not on the circumstances.

In Closing:

• Although it is difficult to watch your disciple’s faith being tested it is an essential part of his maturing process.
• Not only do threatening circumstances reveal to you your disciple’s perception of the Lord, it is also the only way he can know the degree of his trust in the Lord.
• The Lord will not test your disciple one millisecond beyond what he can endure nor give him an ounce of trial more than he can bear.

Over Christmas break I spoke at the Christian Fellowship Church, which is the church in which I grew up and where my parents have attended for 55 years. I took a few minutes after the service and walked through the Sunday school rooms to reminisce. Lillian DeBoer’s preschool department has always held a special place in my heart. It had flannel graph, a table that converted into a sandbox, a goldfish bowl, and an endless supply of Kool-Aid and vanilla wafers.  It was in this room that the foundations for my theology and worldview were laid. Mrs. DeBoer would ask our class, “Boys and girls who made the flowers?” and we would answer “Jesus!” “And who made the trees?” “Jesus!” “And the birds?” “Jesus!” Each question was answered with an increasing enthusiasm until we reached the crescendo, “And who made me?” And we would shout “Jesus!!!”

It was and still is solid theology, but as I got older I was able to string concepts together and it occurred to me “So if God made me, then it his fault that I have the body that I do and the brain that I don’t.” Later other questions puzzled me, “Why would a loving God allow bad things to happen to me and could he not have protected me?”

We are created in the image of God and therefore we relate to him in a personal way not dissimilar to the way we relate to others as John describes:

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (1 John 4:20)

When I am hurt or disappointed with someone I can easily become resentful towards him or her.  When I hurt or disappointed with God I too can become bitter towards him as I would anyone, but maybe even more so. I say even more so because if God is all-powerful, loving, and wise why did he not intervene on my behalf?

Keep in mind that your disciple’s view of God was formed while he was a young child. Andrew said to me, “I pled with God when I was 7 years old to not let my parents get a divorce but he didn’t answer my prayer.” From that point on there was a wedge between Andrew and the Lord.

In closing:

• The seed of bitterness could have been implanted in your disciple’s heart at a young age.
• Usually if your disciple is bitter at someone or something you can be pretty sure he is also bitter towards God.
• Distance from the Lord and having a hard time drawing close to him is a good indication of bitterness towards the Lord. (It is difficult to be intimate with someone at whom I am bitter.)

While young your disciple can manage his bitterness and keep it at bay. But as he grows older he accumulates more hurt and disappointment that if not dealt with properly moves him towards a tipping point where the bitterness overwhelms him and takes over his life. Even his future is now controlled by his past hurt.

There is an agenda behind all bitterness.  Your disciple targets his bitterness with precision. A son or daughter knows exactly what will hurt and disappoint his mom and dad, as any student knows the values of his school, and a parishioner understands what will get the attention of her church.  The bitter person uses this knowledge as a means to either get the attention of another, to seek revenge, or to cause a person to pay for a wrong done.

Some closing insights on bitterness and forgiveness:

• Not only will it frustrate your disciple but it will also be futile to try and get him to change his behavior before he understands how to forgive those who have hurt him.
• You will need to partner with your disciple as he confronts his past because fear will hinder him from facing his hurt and disappointment.
• All bitterness is ultimately directed towards God.  (More on that later.)

It is easy to be preoccupied with your disciple’s destructive behavior and its consequences (How to pay child support for two babies for 18 years?) and miss its cause. The drama of his escapades can become a welcome diversion for both you and your disciple from the more difficult challenge of dealing with the root cause. I say a welcome diversion because to face the cause behind his injurious behavior will require trust, fortitude, perseverance, and courage for both of you.

For you there is the risk of your disciple pushing you away or rejecting you, as you edge closer to the shame that he has covered for years. For the disciple you are asking him to place himself in the vulnerable position of trusting you and the Lord as he faces his greatest fears and most painful memories. Many will choose to continue on the path of destructive behavior, no matter how grave the consequences, rather than to face the cause.   The root in most cases is bitterness that is tied to their hurt.

In closing:

1. Expect your disciple to either lash out at you or to disappear as you begin to explore the hurt and fear in his life. This is normal.
2. Although you have to deal with the consequences of his behavior, you must also keep a balanced approach of searching for the root cause.
3. The process of discovering root causes will take months and years rather than days and weeks.

Insecurity and delusional thinking will cause your disciple to attach himself to a symbol that represents for him a value that he believes will contribute to his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his opinion of himself.   He thinks that if he wears a particular piece of clothing, owns the latest cell phone, has a girlfriend, or belongs to a specific group of friends that somehow their importance will rub off on him.  He seeks to find value by association.

Discerning symbols is tricky because what is significant for one person may have no meaning to another.  For one man the type of automobile he drives is an important statement while for another a car is nothing more than a means to get from one place to another.

Insecurity comes from placing my trust in anything or anyone that can be taken away from me.  Good looks will age, abilities will fade, cars will rust, and relationships may fail.  Security for your disciple can only be found in his placement of trust and value in God.

In closing:

1. The Lord will use suffering to wean your disciple off of misplaced trust.
2. Help your disciple bridge to new friendships with people who are secure followers of Jesus.
3. Read and discuss Israel’s distrust in God and their misplaced trust during the Exodus.  (Numbers 14; Deuteronomy 1 & 6)

Man is made to belong.  Being an image bearer of God he is designed to belong to God and to others as demonstrated in the love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  The degree of your disciple’s relational pain corresponds in direct proportion to his need to belong.   Evidence of the importance of belonging is seen in the void he experiences in its absence.  The reason why rejection hurts deeply and its sting endures is because of the vast capacity God has given us to love.

The good news about Jesus is that he makes it possible for us to belong.   Paul explains:

For he (Jesus) himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.  (Ephesians 2:14-18)

Jesus destroyed barriers and walls of hostility so that we can be united with the heavenly Father and become one with one another.

It is important to remember that manipulators cast a long shadow so you may need to explore relationships from your disciple’s past that still have a control over his thinking and behavior.  It could be a parent, grandparent, past girlfriend, past teacher, etc.  John was a college student I discipled whose entire life revolved around a statement made to him by his second grade teacher who said, “You can’t seem to do anything right.”

In Daniel chapter 6 we have an example in how to deal with a manipulator.  Daniel’s manipulators had arranged circumstances so that without a miracle his situation was humanly hopeless.  Even King Darius, who was the most powerful man in the world, could not help Daniel.  Daniel dealt with his manipulators by focusing on the trustworthiness of the Lord.

The natural response for your disciple will be to focus his attention on his manipulator (who always wants to be the center of attention) and his circumstances.  As long as the disciple’s attention is on the manipulator or his circumstances the manipulator is in control.  Part of the secret of his power over a person is his ability to keep the attention off of the Lord and onto himself.  In contrast, a true friend will always seek to point the attention to the Lord and not onto himself.

Our God is the God of hope. Paul writes:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

The Lord always brings hope to a situation no matter how desperate or powerful the manipulator.

The disciple growth pattern goes something like this:  (1) there is an initial growth spurt, which encourages the disciple and gives him hope.  (2) But old scripting, which is often tied to his fears, draws him back.  (3) Disappointment moves in at this point, which feeds his fear, (4) and he reverts to his familiar coping devices.  Just as Jesus dealt with the fears of his disciples, so it is impossible to make a follower of Jesus without him facing his fears.

Making a disciple is a long process so these growth patterns are best understood in terms of months and years.  Old scripting from childhood is crafty.  It may lay dormant for months, which lures the disciple into over confidence so that he lets his guard down.  As a disciple maker not only should you not be surprised at the reoccurrence of these scripts but you should be on the lookout for them.

The Pharisees and Teachers of the Law were rigorously trained in the Scriptures.  They had memorized and studied the same Old Testament that we say is inspired of God, powerful, and sharper than any double-edged sword…and yet Jesus said that their traditions had nullified the Word of God (Mark 7:13).  Joseph Hellerman observes that:

Tragically, Pharisees, chief priest, and others simply had too much invested in their own view of reality to respond to the prophetic challenge that God brought to their personal lives and precious cultural institutions through the words and ministry of Jesus of Nazareth.  So they had Him crucified…Contemporary Christians would be utterly arrogant to assume that we are somehow immune to similar theological blind spots. [1]

It is my pride and fear that will keep me from allowing my doctrine and my ministry practice to be tested against the Word of God.  I must be willing to admit that I may have been wrong and courageous enough to change a practice that I once held as a conviction but now realize was a preference.   When our desire is to be aligned with truth we will have no fear of examination but rather be inspired to continue a pursuit of knowing and living the truth.

In closing, N.T. Wright captures for me the attitude that I should have towards my traditions (some of which I love dearly) and the Scripture.  He writes:

For me the dynamic of a commitment to Scripture is not ‘we believe the Bible, so there is nothing more to be learned’, but rather ‘we believe the Bible, so we had better discover all the things in it to which our traditions including our “protestant” or “evangelical” traditions, which have supposed themselves to be “biblical” but are sometimes demonstrably not, have made us blind. [2]

[1] Hellerman, Joseph H., “When the Church Was a Family” (Nashville: B & H Academic, 2009), p. 61.

[2] Wright, N.T., “The Challenge of Jesus”( London: SPCK Publishing ,2000)

Yet a personal lens is difficult to detect.    It was Thoreau who said:

It is as hard to see oneself as to look backwards without turning around.

N.T. Wright gives three questions to help me recognize my lens:

What are the stories I tell?

In order to identify the lens through which I view the world I must listen to the stories I tell others, the stories I enjoy hearing, and the stories I tell myself.  “Human life, then, can be seen as grounded in and constituted by the implicit or explicit stories which humans tell themselves and one another.” [1] A life is an unfolding story that fits into the larger story of God.  Just as I get to know someone by listening to their life’s story, so I must learn to evaluate my own story in order to understand my lens.  The movies I enjoy, the television shows I watch, and the books I read, give a glimpse into my worldview.

What are the symbols in my life?

Symbols are powerful.  The clothes I wear (e.g. A Boston Red Sox hat), the car I drive, the tattoo I display, the church I attend, my room decor, the bike I ride, my “green” grocery sack, the music I listen to; can all be symbols of my worldview.  Not everything in my life is a symbol, but there are certain things that have grown out of my worldview and become symbols.  One way to recognize a symbol is that “symbols can often be identified when challenging them produces anger or fear.” [2]

What is my characteristic behavior?

My dad and my aunt had major surgery on the same day.  The first question my dad asked when he could communicate was how is Pat? None of us were surprised at his question because my dad cares for others, even in his own pain.  What do I avoid? How do I fill my time? What excites me? What bores me?  My predictable behavior points to my lens.

One last thought.  Another challenge are the deep emotions stirred up when evaluating a lens.  Courage is required because you will have to face fears associated with your life experience and you will also need humility to admit that you may have been wrong in some of your perspectives.

[1] Wright, N.T., “The New Testament and the People of God” (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1992), p.38.

[2] Wright, N.T., “The New Testament and the People of God” (Minneapolis: Fortress Press, 1992), p.124.