When Your Disciple Dramatically Fails #1

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You should not be surprised if or when your disciple dramatically fails.   An intense test of a disciple’s faith is part of the disciple making process and personal failure is an element of that trial.  Your proper response to his failure is important.

In Peter’s case the test came on his last night with Jesus after having been with him for nearly three years.  Peter had a misplaced confidence in himself boldly stating that he would go to prison with Jesus or even die with him.  People often underestimate the fault lines in their character as they overestimate the strong points of their personality.  Little did Peter realize on that very night he would experience the shame of his greatest failure.

Jesus had warned Peter:

“Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.”  But he replied, “Lord, I am ready to go with you to prison and to death.”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me.”  (Luke 22:31-34)

Not only was Peter warned by Jesus about when the test would take place but he was also told how he would fail and still Peter walked right into the trap without realizing what he was doing until it was all over.

Jesus demonstrates with Peter how a discipler should extend grace and love to those who fail and betray.  Personal failure provides an opportunity for the discipler to instruct and demonstrate for his disciple the mercy, acceptance, and love of God.

A couple of observations:

  1. A momentary lapse in a disciple’s faith does not remove him from God’s faithfulness.
  2. A disciple’s failure may be his rite of passage to kingdom ministry.
  3. A disciple’s failure is not a reflection on you as a discipler, but your response to his failure is a test of your understanding of how to extend the love, forgiveness, and gospel of Jesus.

Generational Love

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Lois Synder died this year, she was 96.  Mrs. Synder taught my 2nd grade Sunday school class and directed our Christmas pageant each year at the Christian Fellowship Church. I attended her memorial service with my mom and dad in the same auditorium where in 1952 Lois had decided to follow Jesus.  When the Synder family walked into the service that afternoon I was moved.  Before us stood 3 generations who follow Jesus nearly 60 years after Lois’ conversion.

In the service family and friends shared their memories of Lois.  It was in these stories that we discovered the reason why her family still follows Jesus today: Lois loved well.  She so loved her children and grandchildren in their formative years that this love overflowed to her great grandchildren.  Not only did Lois love her family, but each week she would load her car with teaching materials and go share the gospel with children living in the inner-city.

Lois’ seemingly endless ability to love others flowed from her understanding of God’s love for her grounded in the cross of Jesus.  God’s love for me will not be found in my circumstances, my heritage, my abilities, or my position, rather it is anchored in the truth that Jesus died for me.   “. . . God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

God shows me how to love others in Jesus’ death for me.  John writes: “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16-17” Once I begin to grasp the depth of God’s love for me, I am then able to love others in sacrificing my life for them.  It will cost me to love my mate, my children, my friends, and my disciples.

How silly a question it would seem if we could ask Lois today, “Was it worth it?”  I can only imagine the joy in her heart in seeing 3 generations loving God and loving one another. 

Measuring Results by Generations

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“Begin with the end in mind”[1], so says Stephen Covey.  The end objective determines not only how I do something but also how long I will do it.   To make a disciple of Jesus requires a loving relationship over an extended period of time.  Disciple making thinks in terms of the impact that my life will have on the generations to come rather than just on immediate results.

A generational perspective comes from God. He instructed the Israelites to not only train their own children but also their grandchildren (Deuteronomy 4:9).  In other words, an Israelite was expected to train children throughout his entire life.  The Lord also warns the Israelites that their sin would cast a long family shadow darkening generations to come.  Their behavior today would affect their children, their grandchildren, their great grandchildren, and even their great great grandchildren (Exodus 34:7).

In contrast, much of Christianity today values rapid multiplication and instantaneous movements.    We view a rapid growing church as being blest by God.  The faster the growth, the larger the numbers, the more blest by God, or so the reasoning goes.  The 3000 converts after Peter’s message in Acts chapter 2 is a favorite proof text.  This is why most church staff positions focus on the worship service as they seek to replicate a Pentecost type movement through what has been called “high impact services”.  I visited a church this week that had four staff members whose jobs revolved around the Sunday morning service and yet their small group coordinator was a part-time volunteer.  We revere the pastor or evangelist who is able to produce a Pentecost type stirring, notwithstanding the fact that not even Paul achieved comparable results.

Though spectacular, movements can lack the depth of relationship and character necessary to be sustained from one generation to the next.    Generational sustainability necessitates a deep love and a sacrificial longevity that a rapid multiplication does not require.    Only a sacrificial love is strong enough to bridge the generations.

[1] Covey, Stephen R. The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1989), p. 97.

Sin and Your Disciple

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Sin is the principal issue in your disciple’s life.  Man was designed to love and to be loved, sin prevents both.  It has estranged him from God and alienated him from others.  It has opened his life to the dark force of shame; a shame that prevents him from drawing near to God and prohibits him from building authentic relationships.  When man lives a detached existence his behavior becomes unstable, erratic, and often self-destructive as he explores ways to attach to others and to belong.

As a discipler, one of your first concerns should be to gain an understanding of your disciple’s perspective of his sin, the cross of Jesus, and his relationship to it.  There are even those who grew up in Christian homes and gospel centered churches that have not been able to apply the gospel to their lives.  Pride and disbelief will cause your disciple to make himself the exception to the rule by believing that he has sinned beyond the patience of God. He must humble himself and acknowledge that he can do nothing to pay for his sin.  His forgiveness is a gift from God because of his mercy and love.

The truth of the good news of Jesus is best learned and experienced in the context of a loving relationship with a parent or a discipler.  The parent/discipler provides an environment of love and forgiveness which illustrates the gospel for the disciple as he explores the gospel and applies its truth to his sin.

A couple of closing thoughts:

  • Most people (including believers) will never have anyone talk with them about their sin and the application of the gospel to their lives.  If you do not discuss it with your child or disciple probably no one will.
  • Just because someone has “made a profession of faith” at some point in his life does not mean he believes he is forgiven by God today.
  • Your disciple’s behavior, rather than his words, is an indicator of his understanding of the gospel.  (Is your disciple comfortable with God? Does your disciple love others well? Does your disciple receive love well? Is his life style contradictory?)
  • Our God is love.  Our message of the gospel is love.  Our love for one another is an expression of the gospel.  Love is a reliable test of a person’s understanding of the gospel.

The Absorbency of Love

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Love has the strength to absorb. This absorbency is seen in Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:   “Love is patient, love is kind . . . it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs . . . it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Jesus was able to absorb the immature behavior of his disciples and even their abandonment on the night of his crucifixion.

An evidence of love’s absorbency will be your ability to listen to your disciple, especially during times of failure in his life.  A person who does not love has a hard time making room in his heart to listen.  Our natural response to someone’s failure is disappointment, which turns to frustration, and finally anger.  Our tendency is to try and “fix” others by instruction.  (If only he would listen to me!) We would be better advised to listen to our disciple at times of their failure rather than just instructing.  To listen intently will give you an understanding of the problem and then at an appropriate time you are able to give right counsel to your disciple.  (Often I ask my disciple to give me 48 hours after our initial conversation so that I can process what he has said to me.)

Listening is a powerful form of love that transforms the life of your disciple.  (This is why I believe prayer is an essential part of spiritual growth.  When I pray God has all the time in the universe to listen to me and his infinite love is able to absorb my rambling, joys, frustration, sin, and failure).  As M. Scott Peck has said: “The principal form that the work of love takes is attention. When we love another we give him or her our attention…by far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is by listening…listening well is an exercise of attention and by necessity hard work.”[1]

[1] Peck, M. Scott “The Road Less Traveled” (Austin: Touchstone Publishing, 1998)

Love and Right Thinking

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One of the first things to do as a discipler is to stabilize your disciple.  When someone is insecure because of rejection, loneliness, shame, or detachment, not only does his mind not think clearly, he can be irrational.  (A simple illustration of this was your inability to concentrate for a test or to make good choices after your college girlfriend broke up with you.)  What brings an inner steadiness to your disciple is an understanding of God’s love.  Paul writes of this stability in Ephesians 4 “…being rooted and established in love…” Later Paul connects love and right thinking in Philippians: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ…” (This is not a quick process and usually takes months.)

I begin the relationship by asking my disciple to share his story so that I can listen for the points of suffering, rejection, voids, hurt, and disappointments in his life.  His life stories give me insight into his inner man and God’s approach in his life.  It is at these points of suffering that I introduce him to the sovereignty of God. The sovereignty of God is made of up of three strands:

  • God’s Power- God’s power means God is able to do anything that is in harmony with His wise and holy and perfect nature.
  • God’s Wisdom- God’s wisdom means that God always chooses the best purpose and the best means to that purpose.
  • God’s Love- God’s love means that God eternally gives of Himself to others.  (This definition understands love as self-giving for the benefit of others.)

Stories are powerful conveyers of truth.  I refer to the life stories of biblical characters to illustrate the Lord’s sovereignty in the life of his children. (e.g.  Joseph, Moses, Ruth, Esther, David, Daniel, Elizabeth, Mary, etc.)  Disciples relate differently to different biblical characters, so we explore the various characters until we find one that resonates with him.

Love and Insecurity

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Disciple making is a love relationship.  Love is hard work, so it should be expected that the first months with your disciple are difficult.  You should not be surprised when you come up against instability, fear, contractions, resistance, anger, and moodiness in the life of your disciple.  He may become evasive and lash out at you, even though you have reached out to him with love. These are not unlike the relational issues Paul encountered in the lives of his disciples in Ephesus.  He pled: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Paul goes on to tell these disciples that rather they are to “Be imitators of God  . . . and live a life of love.” Ephesians 4:31-5:2

You can expect your disciple to test you in three areas:

  1. Trust.  Your disciple will send up “trial balloon” stories and behaviors to see how you will respond before he will trust you enough to share his deepest wound, shame, or fear.  This trust can takes months or even years to build.  (Note: Be careful! What you assume to be his deepest wound may not be, and what seems trivial to you could be the source of his inner pain.)
  2. Commitment.  He will test the commitment of your love by withholding his commitment from you.  He will ask himself: “Will this friendship last? Or will I just add this to my list of other relational disappointments?” Persistence over the long haul will communicate love to your disciple.  (Note: It is important for him to learn how to love you as well as how to receive love from you.)
  3. Insecure people like to control.  Some will try and control the relationship believing that by taking control they will be safe.  He will purposefully test you probing for weaknesses in your life in order to try and manipulate you, deflecting the attention off of him and onto you.   (Note: Some will seek to pull you into the drama of their own life.)

Pursuing Your Disciple

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Love pursues.  Your first step with a disciple is to pursue him. Just as Jesus chose his 12 disciples and as Paul chose Timothy, it is important for you to take the initiative in pursuing your disciple. This first step is key because it establishes the tone of the relationship and sets a trajectory for discipling relationships for generations to come.  When others came to Jesus and reversed the initiative by asking to become his disciple he turned them away, which indicates the significance of the discipler pursuing the disciple.  (Matt 8:19-22; Luke 9:57-62)

The good news of the kingdom is that the Father pursued man and adopted him into the family of God.  As I pursue a disciple I am demonstrating to him and the world the pursuing love of God in the cross of Jesus.

Recently I was at a gathering where several disciples shared their stories.  A recurring theme was the life change as a result of being loved by their discipler.  Not only will your disciple never forget being pursued by you, but it will serve as a point of reference for the rest of his life.  Because he has experienced the love of being pursued, he will pursue others.

Some closing lessons from the pursuit:

  • Pursuing is hard work.
  • Pursuing is deliberate.
  • Begin the pursuit by having your disciple tell you his story.
  • The pursuit of your disciple will take months.  Depending on the individual it may take many initiatives before you see a response.  (The pursuit often causes a disciple to face his deepest fears which he has avoided for years.)
  • The experience of being pursued teaches your disciple how to pursue others.
  • Parents, pursue each of your children. Children, pursue your parents. Brothers and sisters, pursue one another.  Friends, pursue your friends.

The Kindness of Friendship

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Jonathan is my hero.  He provides for us an example of the heart of friendship a discipler should have towards his disciple.  Though a courageous warrior, Jonathan was a kind man, living counter to his surroundings and upbringing.  His father, King Saul, was an angry, violent, proud, and irrational person. Although his siblings were products of their environment, Jonathan became humble, loyal, affectionate, and a good friend.  He gives us hope that we are not fated to repeat our family’s dysfunction and self-destructive behavior.

As the story of Jonathan and David’s friendship unfolds we get a glimpse into the heart of Jonathan.  Though heir to the throne, Jonathan was submissive to the purpose and will of God even though it meant for him a displacement to a secondary role.  He actually chose to be a friend to the very man who would take his place as king.

But are there really any secondary roles in God’s economy?   I do not believe that David could have become the man of God that he did without the foundation of Jonathan’s friendship in his life.  Jonathan not only loved David but he taught him how to place a confidence in the purpose of God.  Once when David was running for his life from Saul, Jonathan was able to speak courage into the heart of David because of his own trust in the sovereignty of God.

And Saul’s son, Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God.  “Don’t be afraid,” he said.  “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you.  You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you.  Even my father Saul knows this.”  The two of them made a covenant before the Lord.  Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh.  (1 Samuel 23:16-18)

Placing others ahead of myself is at the heart of following Jesus and making disciples.  To be a follower of Jesus is to live for others.  This is not only what Jesus taught but also what he displayed by his life.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.  (Mark 10:45)

When I place the interest of my friend’s life ahead of my own I am illustrating the good news of Jesus to the world.   My nature is to watch out for myself and trust no one.  Only my surrender to the sovereign purpose of God can rescue me from the pull of self-centeredness.

Jonathan embraced God’s purpose for his own life by understanding and embracing God’s purpose for his friend David’s life.  Jonathan then purposed to join God in making David king and to serve him as the second man; in other words, to make David a success.

It is when I recognize that there is a divine purpose for the life of my disciple and that I willingly join the Holy Spirit in fulfilling that purpose, no matter the cost, that I become a true friend.    Many want a Jonathan and David type friendship but few are willing to pay the price.  It is in losing my life for the sake of a friend that I find my own life’s purpose.

Kindness

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Kindness is the starting point for making a disciple.  The discipler pursues his disciple by extending to him an invitation of friendship through kindness.   Jesus demonstrates this approach in Matthew 11 when he says:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for you souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

This verse is a reminder for the followers of Jesus of the attitude we should have towards our mates, children, disciples, and friends.

For many the world has been a cruel experience resulting in a callousness, coldness, and weariness.  (Who can forget the brutality of Jr. High?  Even as adults how rare it is to hear a kind word or receive an act of kindness.)   Stephen Covey has observed:

People are very tender, very sensitive inside.  I don’t believe age or experience makes much difference.  Inside, even within the most toughened and calloused exteriors are the tender feelings and emotions of the heart. [1]

My kindness to others is an invitation for them to experience the heart of God, the nature of His family and kingdom, and the message of the good news of Jesus.  As Paul wrote:

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.”  (Titus 3:4-6)

Some closing thoughts:

  • Building Trust.  Do not be surprised at an initial response of resistance or indifference from your disciple to your kindness.  Cruelty makes one suspicious and cynical.  It may take many investments of kindness before your disciple will be able to trust you.  He will test you.
  • Learning.  Disciple making involves both mind and heart because a wounded heart hinders a head from right thinking.   Your heart is the best classroom for your disciple.
  • Healing. Healing occurs for your disciple as you allow him to enter your heart where he can experience gentleness and humility.
  • Listening.  One of the kindest things you can do for your disciple is to listen to him.

[1] Covey, Stephen “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” (New York: Simon and Schuster, 1989), p.193.