The Absorbency of Love

Posted on April 29, 2010 by Lewie Clark

Love has the strength to absorb. This absorbency is seen in Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient, love is kind . . . it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs . . . it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Jesus was able to absorb the immature behavior of his disciples and even their abandonment on the night of his crucifixion.

An evidence of love’s absorbency will be your ability to listen to your disciple, especially during times of failure in his life. A person who does not love has a hard time making room in his heart to listen. Our natural response to someone’s failure is disappointment, which turns to frustration, and finally anger. Our tendency is to try and “fix” others by instruction. (If only he would listen to me!) We would be better advised to listen to our disciple at times of their failure rather than just instructing. To listen intently will give you an understanding of the problem and then at an appropriate time you are able to give right counsel to your disciple. (Often I ask my disciple to give me 48 hours after our initial conversation so that I can process what he has said to me.)

Listening is a powerful form of love that transforms the life of your disciple. (This is why I believe prayer is an essential part of spiritual growth. When I pray God has all the time in the universe to listen to me and his infinite love is able to absorb my rambling, joys, frustration, sin, and failure). As M. Scott Peck has said: “The principal form that the work of love takes is attention. When we love another we give him or her our attention…by far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is by listening…listening well is an exercise of attention and by necessity hard work.”[1]

[1] Peck, M. Scott “The Road Less Traveled” (Austin: Touchstone Publishing, 1998)

Love and Right Thinking

Posted on April 27, 2010 by Lewie Clark

One of the first things to do as a discipler is to stabilize your disciple. When someone is insecure because of rejection, loneliness, shame, or detachment, not only does his mind not think clearly, he can be irrational. (A simple illustration of this was your inability to concentrate for a test or to make good choices after your college girlfriend broke up with you.) What brings an inner steadiness to your disciple is an understanding of God’s love. Paul writes of this stability in Ephesians 4 “…being rooted and established in love…” Later Paul connects love and right thinking in Philippians: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ…” (This is not a quick process and usually takes months.)

I begin the relationship by asking my disciple to share his story so that I can listen for the points of suffering, rejection, voids, hurt, and disappointments in his life. His life stories give me insight into his inner man and God’s approach in his life. It is at these points of suffering that I introduce him to the sovereignty of God. The sovereignty of God is made of up of three strands:

God’s Power- God’s power means God is able to do anything that is in harmony with His wise and holy and perfect nature.
God’s Wisdom- God’s wisdom means that God always chooses the best purpose and the best means to that purpose.
God’s Love- God’s love means that God eternally gives of Himself to others. (This definition understands love as self-giving for the benefit of others.)

Stories are powerful conveyers of truth. I refer to the life stories of biblical characters to illustrate the Lord’s sovereignty in the life of his children. (e.g. Joseph, Moses, Ruth, Esther, David, Daniel, Elizabeth, Mary, etc.) Disciples relate differently to different biblical characters, so we explore the various characters until we find one that resonates with him.

Love and Insecurity

Posted on April 21, 2010 by Lewie Clark

Disciple making is a love relationship. Love is hard work, so it should be expected that the first months with your disciple are difficult. You should not be surprised when you come up against instability, fear, contractions, resistance, anger, and moodiness in the life of your disciple. He may become evasive and lash out at you, even though you have reached out to him with love. These are not unlike the relational issues Paul encountered in the lives of his disciples in Ephesus. He pled: “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.” Paul goes on to tell these disciples that rather they are to “Be imitators of God . . . and live a life of love.” Ephesians 4:31-5:2

You can expect your disciple to test you in three areas:

Trust. Your disciple will send up “trial balloon” stories and behaviors to see how you will respond before he will trust you enough to share his deepest wound, shame, or fear. This trust can takes months or even years to build. (Note: Be careful! What you assume to be his deepest wound may not be, and what seems trivial to you could be the source of his inner pain.)
Commitment. He will test the commitment of your love by withholding his commitment from you. He will ask himself: “Will this friendship last? Or will I just add this to my list of other relational disappointments?” Persistence over the long haul will communicate love to your disciple. (Note: It is important for him to learn how to love you as well as how to receive love from you.)
Insecure people like to control. Some will try and control the relationship believing that by taking control they will be safe. He will purposefully test you probing for weaknesses in your life in order to try and manipulate you, deflecting the attention off of him and onto you. (Note: Some will seek to pull you into the drama of their own life.)

Pursuing Your Disciple

Posted on April 6, 2010 by Lewie Clark

Love pursues. Your first step with a disciple is to pursue him. Just as Jesus chose his 12 disciples and as Paul chose Timothy, it is important for you to take the initiative in pursuing your disciple. This first step is key because it establishes the tone of the relationship and sets a trajectory for discipling relationships for generations to come. When others came to Jesus and reversed the initiative by asking to become his disciple he turned them away, which indicates the significance of the discipler pursuing the disciple. (Matt 8:19-22; Luke 9:57-62)

The good news of the kingdom is that the Father pursued man and adopted him into the family of God. As I pursue a disciple I am demonstrating to him and the world the pursuing love of God in the cross of Jesus.

Recently I was at a gathering where several disciples shared their stories. A recurring theme was the life change as a result of being loved by their discipler. Not only will your disciple never forget being pursued by you, but it will serve as a point of reference for the rest of his life. Because he has experienced the love of being pursued, he will pursue others.

Some closing lessons from the pursuit:

Pursuing is hard work.
Pursuing is deliberate.
Begin the pursuit by having your disciple tell you his story.
The pursuit of your disciple will take months. Depending on the individual it may take many initiatives before you see a response. (The pursuit often causes a disciple to face his deepest fears which he has avoided for years.)
The experience of being pursued teaches your disciple how to pursue others.
Parents, pursue each of your children. Children, pursue your parents. Brothers and sisters, pursue one another. Friends, pursue your friends.

The Kindness of Friendship

Posted on March 26, 2010 by Lewie Clark

Jonathan is my hero. He provides for us an example of the heart of friendship a discipler should have towards his disciple. Though a courageous warrior, Jonathan was a kind man, living counter to his surroundings and upbringing. His father, King Saul, was an angry, violent, proud, and irrational person. Although his siblings were products of their environment, Jonathan became humble, loyal, affectionate, and a good friend. He gives us hope that we are not fated to repeat our family’s dysfunction and self-destructive behavior.

As the story of Jonathan and David’s friendship unfolds we get a glimpse into the heart of Jonathan. Though heir to the throne, Jonathan was submissive to the purpose and will of God even though it meant for him a displacement to a secondary role. He actually chose to be a friend to the very man who would take his place as king.

But are there really any secondary roles in God’s economy? I do not believe that David could have become the man of God that he did without the foundation of Jonathan’s friendship in his life. Jonathan not only loved David but he taught him how to place a confidence in the purpose of God. Once when David was running for his life from Saul, Jonathan was able to speak courage into the heart of David because of his own trust in the sovereignty of God.

And Saul’s son, Jonathan went to David at Horesh and helped him find strength in God. “Don’t be afraid,” he said. “My father Saul will not lay a hand on you. You will be king over Israel, and I will be second to you. Even my father Saul knows this.” The two of them made a covenant before the Lord. Then Jonathan went home, but David remained at Horesh. (1 Samuel 23:16-18)

Placing others ahead of myself is at the heart of following Jesus and making disciples. To be a follower of Jesus is to live for others. This is not only what Jesus taught but also what he displayed by his life.

For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:45)

When I place the interest of my friend’s life ahead of my own I am illustrating the good news of Jesus to the world. My nature is to watch out for myself and trust no one. Only my surrender to the sovereign purpose of God can rescue me from the pull of self-centeredness.

Jonathan embraced God’s purpose for his own life by understanding and embracing God’s purpose for his friend David’s life. Jonathan then purposed to join God in making David king and to serve him as the second man; in other words, to make David a success.

It is when I recognize that there is a divine purpose for the life of my disciple and that I willingly join the Holy Spirit in fulfilling that purpose, no matter the cost, that I become a true friend. Many want a Jonathan and David type friendship but few are willing to pay the price. It is in losing my life for the sake of a friend that I find my own life’s purpose.

Hospitality: A Starting Point For Making Disciples

Posted on February 25, 2010 by Lewie Clark

Hospitality is a good starting place for making disciples. It provides for you an opportunity to serve your disciple and to carve out a safe place for him to belong. Serving and making followers of Jesus are inseparable. Jesus told his disciples:

Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. (Mark 10:43-45)

Hospitality not only allows your disciple to observe service to others, it also provides him an opportunity to become part of the serving process; whether it is cutting the bread, setting the table, or taking drink orders. Teaching your disciple hospitality is an important component for the spreading of the gospel through serving others.

Henri Nouwen writes:

How does healing take place? Many words, such as care and compassion, understanding and forgiveness, fellowship and community, have been used for the healing task of the Christian minister. I like to use the word hospitality, not only because it has such deep roots in the Judaeo-Christian tradition, but also, and primarily, because it gives us more insight into the nature of response to the human condition of loneliness. Hospitality is the virtue which allows us to break through the narrowness of our own fears and to open our houses to the stranger, with the intuition that salvation comes to us in the form of a tired traveler. Hospitality makes anxious disciples into powerful witnesses, makes suspicious owners into generous givers and makes closed-minded sectarians into interested recipients of new ideas and insights.

Why Hospitality?

Posted on February 16, 2010 by Lewie Clark

Making disciples of Jesus is best done in the context of your home, whether for your natural children or your spiritual children. Disciples are the children of God; therefore the home is an ideal environment for a disciple to experience, (1) the parental nature of God, (2) what it means to belong to a family, (3) how to love and serve others, and (4) how to attach to brothers and sisters. Children can witness what it means to follow Jesus by observing the daily lives of their parents in various circumstances.

In the West we tend to compartmentalize our lives, often separating our ministry from our home. Even when ministry is conducted in the home, it tends to be done as a “study” or “meeting” rather than being a family gathering. (In the many small group training conferences that I have attended, never did “family” or “a meal” enter the discussion. A house was only a convenient place to hold a meeting.)

Some Benefits of Hospitality:

Hospitality provides you an opportunity to serve your disciple. (Serving is another way to say “I love you”.)
Hospitality opens up your life to your disciple. (A person’s home tells a lot about a person. I have been in very few homes of pastors or church leaders.)
Hospitality provides your disciple an opportunity to observe how you relate to your wife and children.
Hospitality provides an opportunity for your children to serve others and to learn how to share.
Hospitality provides an opportunity for your children to love others and for others to love your children. (A hug from a 4 year old will melt any heart.)
Hospitality provides an opportunity for your children to observe how you minister and interact with others.
Hospitality provides a place for your disciple to belong.
Hospitality provides a place for your disciple to serve. (Help cook, help clean up, help with the children)
Hospitality provides you an opportunity for you to observe how your disciple relates to others.

How To View Your Disciple

Posted on December 30, 2009 by Lewie Clark

The lens through which I view others communicates louder than my words or actions. This is why the lens through which I view my disciple must be correct in order for him to experience the love that brings life change. As a wrong prescription for glasses effects how a patient sees everything, so a wrong or incomplete perspective effects how I view others. People can sense how another views them, so I must rigorously evaluate the lens through which I see each of my disciples. I can say the right words and do the right things, but if my lens is incorrect, my words and actions will ring hollow.

My lens must correspond with God’s view of my disciple, which is a perspective of family love. The heavenly Father has adopted my disciple into the family of God. He is now a son of God; she is a daughter of God. He is my brother; she is my sister. The Father has engrafted him into his family at great cost demonstrating his value to God.

Paul and John’s perspective of the brothers and sisters enthusiastically comes through their letters. Paul writes:

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his comparable great power for us who believe. (Ephesians 1:18)

John writes:

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:1)

The apostles’ perspective reminds the disciples of the great love, kindness and grace that the Father has given to them.

What is God Like?

Posted on December 8, 2009 by Lewie Clark

While looking for ministry methods, Christianity has the tendency to skip over the Gospels and dive into the book of Acts and Paul’s letters. Yet it is in the Gospels that we have four accounts of God coming to earth to show us what God is like. “When Church Was a Family” by Joseph Hellerman is one of the more thought provoking books I have read in a while. He writes:

“The earthly ministry of Jesus of Nazareth constitutes the one time in the history of humanity when heaven fully and finally came to earth. In Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, we have the opportunity to see the question What is God like? answered in the flesh-and-blood world in which we live. During His incarnation Jesus not only procured our way to heaven. He also shows us how to live on earth. Now we can pattern our lives after Jesus.”[1]

The answer to What is God is like? as seen in the Gospels is love. At the baptism of Jesus the heavenly Father breaks silence and declares his love for his Son. “And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.” (Matt 3:17) Here we discover the family love bond between the heavenly Father and Jesus. This familiar love becomes the basis for Jesus love for his disciples and the disciples love for one another. “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” (John 15:9) “As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” (John 13:34-35)

While reading the Gospels our Western eyes are drawn to ministry methods and we can easily miss the relational component of Jesus’ approach. Imitating the methods of Jesus without the family love element will result in a sterile religion rather than a dynamic spiritual family. It is essential for your disciples to understand that God relates to them as a Father and they are to relate to him as a son. This understanding is the basis on which your disciples are to lovingly relate to one another as brothers. The brotherly love your disciples have for one another is a window for the world to see into the heavenly Father’s love for Jesus and their perfect unity. “I in them and you in me. May they be brought to complete unity to let the world know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me.” (John 17:22-23)

[1] Joseph H. Hellerman, When the Church Was a Family (Nashville: B & H Academic, 2009), p. 62.

Teaching Your Disciple How to Love #3: The Meaningful Word

Posted on September 18, 2009 by Lewie Clark

As a discipler, it is not only essential for you to verbally communicate your love to each disciple, it is also important that your disciple communicates his love to you and to the other disciples.

This week I listened to an interview of a father who on 9/11 lost two sons who were New York firefighters. That fateful morning he had spoken to his sons on the phone and the last thing he had said to both boys was “I love you.” This dad finished the interview in tears saying, “I am so glad that the last thing they heard from me was that I loved them.”

Our heavenly Father not only loves us, but he used words to express that love throughout the Old Testament. Then when the God-Man Jesus came to earth he too verbally expressed his love to his disciples. The night before his crucifixion he communicated the full extent of that love by stating: “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” (John 15:9)

The apostle Paul also gives free expression in communicating his love for the believers. Early in his ministry he says to the Thessalonians: “How can we thank God enough for you in return for all the joy we have in the presence of our God because of you? Night and day we pray most earnestly that we may see you again and supply what is lacking in your faith.” (1 Thess 3:8-10) Ten years later, rather than suffering from ministry burnout, he still overflows with love in telling the Philippians: “God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.” (Phil 1:8) At the end of his life Paul was still lavishing affection on his disciple Timothy, even after being together for 17 years, he writes: “Recalling your tears, I long to see you, so that I may be filled with joy.” (2 Tim 1:4)

Here are a couple of things I do in verbally expressing love to my disciples:

My goal is to verbally express my love to each disciple each time we are together. (Each goodbye maybe our last until heaven.)
Periodically I write my affection in a note, email or text message to my disciple. It is important for your disciple to receive your affection in both verbal and written forms.
Coach your disciple on how to express his affection to the other disciples in the group.
I regularly check to insure that the disciples are expressing their love to one another even when I am not around.

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