Author Archives: Lewie Clark

Made to Belong

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Within your disciple is a conflict between his need to belong and his fear of rejection.   He is constantly searching for a group to which he can safely attach while at the same time keeping his guard up because of the painful memories of disappointing relationships.  This double message he transmits to others confuses them to the point that they do not know how to respond to him.   He then senses their awkwardness and becomes even more insecure.  Sometimes in a brave or impulsive moment he may guardedly attach himself to a group with an optimism that these new friends maybe different, only to be disappointed once again. The more disappointments your disciple accumulates the deeper his despair, which opens the door to erratic and self-destructive behavior.

Man is made to belong.  Being an image bearer of God he is designed to belong to God and to others as demonstrated in the love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  The degree of your disciple’s relational pain corresponds in direct proportion to his need to belong.   Evidence of the importance of belonging is seen in the void he experiences in its absence.  The reason why rejection hurts deeply and its sting endures is because of the vast capacity God has given us to love.

The good news about Jesus is that he makes it possible for us to belong.   Paul explains:

For he (Jesus) himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.  (Ephesians 2:14-18)

Jesus destroyed barriers and walls of hostility so that we can be united with the heavenly Father and become one with one another.

Longing to Belong

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Parents and disciple makers get it wrong when they try and form a person’s character by outward conformity.  It is putting the second thing first, the cart before the horse.  To make a disciple of Jesus begins by engrafting him into a group (family) where he belongs and then out of this belonging will flow the character of Jesus. It is the first thing.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “…you can’t get second things by putting them first.  You get second things only by putting first things first” [1]. It is fruitless to try and get your disciple to live by kingdom values or to have a right attitude if he does not understand to whom he belongs.  You will become frustrated and you will frustrate your disciple if you do not begin by helping him unite to God and to a people, which I would argue are inseparable.

Man is created in the image of God, which means he was designed to belong.  When your disciple feels disconnected his behavior will become erratic and often self-destructive as he seeks to compensate for his detachment.   He will attach himself to some inappropriate group through inappropriate bonds to give the illusion that he belongs somewhere and to someone.

When Jesus called his men to follow him, he was also calling them to belong to a group of 12 other men. Jesus formed a community not only because it flowed out his nature but also because he knew that for his disciples to live as God intended they must belong to one another through bonds formed by love.

In closing:

  • Rarely do I disciple someone apart from being with him in community.
  • A large part of the discipling process is teaching your disciple how to love and receive love and how to serve others and to be served in community.
  • Starting a discipling community is difficult as seen in Jesus’ disciples’ relationship with one another.  It is more difficult than starting a bible study, small group, or maybe even a church plant.  It takes months and years rather than weeks.  The process does become easier as your disciples learn how to love one another.

[1] C.S. Lewis, “First and Second Things,” in God in the Dock: Essays on Theology and Ethics (Eerdmans, 1994), p. 280.

 

The Manipulator #5

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Hopelessness in your disciple’s outlook is another indication of a manipulator’s influence over his life. Hopelessness is a deep gloom arising from a belief of the uselessness of further effort.  It is a favorite tool of a manipulator to control another.  He creates the illusion that there is no way out.

It is important to remember that manipulators cast a long shadow so you may need to explore relationships from your disciple’s past that still have a control over his thinking and behavior.  It could be a parent, grandparent, past girlfriend, past teacher, etc.  John was a college student I discipled whose entire life revolved around a statement made to him by his second grade teacher who said, “You can’t seem to do anything right.”

In Daniel chapter 6 we have an example in how to deal with a manipulator.  Daniel’s manipulators had arranged circumstances so that without a miracle his situation was humanly hopeless.  Even King Darius, who was the most powerful man in the world, could not help Daniel.  Daniel dealt with his manipulators by focusing on the trustworthiness of the Lord.

The natural response for your disciple will be to focus his attention on his manipulator (who always wants to be the center of attention) and his circumstances.  As long as the disciple’s attention is on the manipulator or his circumstances the manipulator is in control.  Part of the secret of his power over a person is his ability to keep the attention off of the Lord and onto himself.  In contrast, a true friend will always seek to point the attention to the Lord and not onto himself.

Our God is the God of hope. Paul writes:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

The Lord always brings hope to a situation no matter how desperate or powerful the manipulator.

The Manipulator #4

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A manipulator carefully studies his prey. He continually probes and prods your disciple looking for a weak spot. The manipulator then uses this weak spot as a point of leverage to control your disciple.  It does not matter how many strengths your disciple has, it takes only one point of vulnerability for a manipulator to take him down.

A common vulnerability is shame.  Shame is a painful emotion caused by the loss of: innocence, reputation, or self-respect. This shame may be private, of which only your disciple is aware, or his shame may be public of which everyone is aware, either way shame makes cowards of us all.  The manipulator discovers this shame and then uses it to control his victim.  I have even seen manipulators draw a person into a sinful act into order to establish shame as a control point in his victim.

The good news of Jesus deals directly with shame.  The cross removes all shame, whether private or public.  No matter the decree of shame in the life of your disciple the grace of the gospel goes even deeper.  Shame has a powerful attraction that draws your disciple to fixate on his own shame.  As a disciple maker you want to point the inward eyes of your disciple upon Jesus.  Hebrews 12:2 states:

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

  • Shame if one of the most powerful dark forces in your disciple’s life.  Expect aversion and push back.
  • Shame casts a long shadow.  Shame may come from your disciple’s childhood or as recent as yesterday.
  • Unless your disciple confronts his shame he will be vulnerable to any manipulator.

The Manipulator #3

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A manipulator disrupts and neutralizes your disciple’s relationship with his family and friends. She subtlety drives a velvet wedge between your disciple and all his relationships.  Relationships that once were strong are now strained.  In the beginning the wedge is imperceptible so that it seems as if the manipulator wants a relationship with your disciple’s family and friends but then over time there grows a distance between him and all his relationships.  A good manipulator deceives your disciple so well that when his relationships do become detached he believes that others are the problem, not him.

In Daniel chapter 6 we see how effectively a manipulator can neutralizes a relationship. King Darius loved Daniel and planned to promote him to rule over the whole kingdom.  Yet manipulators who surrounded the king were so crafty that they were able to neutralize his relationship with Daniel even though Darius was the most powerful man in the world.  (Never underestimate the shrewdness of a manipulator.)

The account states:

Then they (the manipulators) said to the king, “Daniel, who is one of the exiles from Judah, pays no attention to you, O King, or to the decree you put in writing.  He still prays three times a day.”  When the king heard this, he was greatly distressed; he was determined to rescue Daniel and made ever effort until sundown to save him. (Daniel 6 13-14)

In the end Darius was powerless to help Daniel.

Random closing thoughts:

  • A parent who is a manipulator seeks to control his child and all the child’s relationships under the guise of “good parenting.”
  • A mate who is a manipulator creates a distance between his wife’s relationship with her family and friends.  He may not want children for fear that he will lose control of his wife or have to share her with someone else.
  • A child who is a manipulator will drive a wedge between his mom and dad and will seek to control his parent’s relationships with his siblings.
  • A friend who is a manipulator disrupts a person’s relationship with old friends and family.
  • A new girlfriend should not disrupt a guy’s relationship with his parents or friends but actually she should be a catalyst to draw his family and friends closer together.
  • A non-manipulator will fit into existing family and friend relationships.

The Manipulator #2

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The manipulator is cunning.  He weaves his web with such skill and patience that his victim does not realize he is caught in the trap until it is too late.   As a disciple maker you will need to help your disciple break free from the web of the manipulator and teach him how to recognize and evade the snares of manipulation.  Few people can untangle themselves from the snarled relationship with a manipulator without outside help.

What is manipulation?

Manipulation is when someone imposes a false idea or belief on another that causes ignorance, bewilderment, or helplessness so that he can control that individual for his own advantage.

Recorded in Daniel chapter six is the story of the vice presidents of Persia manipulating King Darius in order to remove Daniel from the government.  Here we find several insights into the ways of the manipulator, but first I want to look at two premises of manipulation.

Manipulation is based on lies.

A manipulator will have your disciple believe a lie to be true and the truth to be a lie.  These lies are difficult to discern because they are based on half-truths and slight exaggerations.  He knows how to cloak the lie behind a germ of truth found within the lie. The manipulator uses these half-truths and embellishments to throw his victim off balance just enough to maneuver him to his advantage.

The vice presidents told King Darius “The royal administrators, prefects, satraps, advisers, and governors have all agreed that the king should issue an edict and enforce the decree that anyone who prays to any god or man during the next thirty days except to you, O king, shall be thrown into the lion’s den.”(Daniel 6:7) It was a lie.  Daniel was one of the top three officials over the kingdom and he would have never agreed to such a decree.

Manipulation is selfish.

At his core the manipulator is self-consumed and cares for no one but himself.  His victims are expendable.   The royal administers intended to not only remove Daniel from office but they wanted him dead, even though it would be a detriment to the king and the kingdom.

The Manipulator #1

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Your disciple may be caught in the trap of a manipulator.  This manipulator could be his mother, father, brother, sister, mate, child, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, pastor, teacher, or boss . . . a manipulator could be anyone. Teaching your disciple how to recognize and deal with a manipulator is an important part of the disciple making process.

What is a manipulator?

A manipulator uses unfair or subtle means to control circumstances or people to his own advantage.

The manipulator disguises his actions so shrewdly that few recognize his true intent.  He is so masterful at deflecting the blame off of himself and onto others that if questions do arise both the victim and the outside observer believes that the victim is the real problem.

Manipulation is the antithesis of love.  One of the tools I use to help my disciple discern manipulation is 1 Corinthians 13.  Here the apostle Paul gives us a clear and understandable picture of love, which we can use as measurement against the behavior of the manipulator.

Beginning the process:

  1. Discuss with your disciple each of his relationships, both past and present, with the eye for the manipulator.
  2. Manipulators strike fear in the heart of your disciple.  Expect reluctance, procrastination, and excuses when he begins to deal with the manipulator(s) in his life.
  3. The process is long.  De-tangling any manipulative relationship is complicated and will take time, but dealing with a family member who is a manipulator is even more knotty and can take even more time.

The Role of Friendships In Disciple Making #2

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The challenge before a discipler is how to get to know the heart of his disciple.  I propose one reliable way to understand your disciple is by observing his friendships.

Getting to know your disciple may prove difficult because he may not know himself.  An indicator of this lack of self-knowledge is the contradiction between his sincerity in trying to answer all your questions honestly, but somehow his answers do not correlate with his actions.

Throughout childhood a person creates an inward maze of defenses so complex that he can lose himself.  He has also constructed an outward façade so that the person with whom you are talking is much like interacting with an actor on the stage. He has played so many roles for so long that he no longer understands who he is or why he does what he does.

Man is a spiritual being.  Not only do we communicate with one another in words and body language, but our inner spirit also communicates subliminal messages to others.  An example of this is how the rebels at a youth camp can find one another within the first hours.  Another illustration of this subspace communication is how alcoholics can instantly pick out one another in a crowd and discern if they are telling the truth.  An alcoholic cannot lie to another alcoholic.

Your disciple has transmitted these subliminal signals for years right past his parents, youth pastors, and teachers. Who does pick up on these cryptic communications are others with the same heart condition.

These subliminal signals cut through defensives and facades and connect with people of like heart.  The study of your disciple’s friends is a reliable diagnostic tool to understand your disciple’s inner man.  It is also important for your disciple to analyze his friendships so that he too can understand his heart.  There is a reason he has chosen the friends that he has and why those friends have chosen him.

The Role of Friendships in Making Disciples #1

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Friendships are a mirror of who a person is.  If you want to understand your disciple, get to know his friends.  Your disciple has chosen his friends and his friends have chosen him.

Parents, you should not be nearly as concerned about friends being a bad influence on your child as who your son or daughter chooses as a friend because the choice of friends is a reliable indicator of the inner man of your child.  Another window into your child’s heart is who chooses your son or daughter as a friend, because like attracts like.  Children know how to deceive their parents, teachers, coaches, youth pastors, and disciplers but friendships expose a person for who he really is.

Often when I point out this friendship mirror principle to my disciples it makes them uncomfortable. One guy recently said to me, “But I don’t want to become like my friends!” even though he was already exactly like his friends.  It is comfortable to live in denial believing that I am in a better condition than my friends, when in reality friendships are an accurate diagnostic tool for my heart condition.

Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back #4: Understanding Disciple Growth Patterns

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Love is never satisfied with status quo in the life of another.  Love inspires a discipler to “always hope, always trust, and to always persevere” (1 Corinthians 13) for the life of his disciple even when his behavior and attitude are to the contrary. Faith empowers love to look beyond the disciple’s backward slide to see who and what he can become through the power of the cross and resurrection of Jesus and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit living in him.

The disciple growth pattern goes something like this:  (1) there is an initial growth spurt, which encourages the disciple and gives him hope.  (2) But old scripting, which is often tied to his fears, draws him back.  (3) Disappointment moves in at this point, which feeds his fear, (4) and he reverts to his familiar coping devices.  Just as Jesus dealt with the fears of his disciples, so it is impossible to make a follower of Jesus without him facing his fears.

Making a disciple is a long process so these growth patterns are best understood in terms of months and years.  Old scripting from childhood is crafty.  It may lay dormant for months, which lures the disciple into over confidence so that he lets his guard down.  As a disciple maker not only should you not be surprised at the reoccurrence of these scripts but you should be on the lookout for them.