Tag Archives: disciple making

Teaching Your Disciple How to Forgive #2

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Digging up the roots of any tree is a labor-intensive task. (It is difficult enough pulling on the root of a stubborn weed.) As tedious as it may be to pick up the fruit from the ground day after day it is a seemingly better alternative than the daunting prospect of rooting up the tree. For many they would rather pick the fruit of their sinful behavior year after year than face the dread of getting at its root. Even for the discipler it is much easier and less intimidating to continue dealing with the fruit of his disciple’s life rather than having to struggle with the cause.

After 30 years of making disciples I have observed that if there is one consistent sin in the lives of people it would be bitterness. Most people have at least one person or organization that has deeply hurt or disappointed them. It could be a coach, parent, teacher, friend, pastor, youth pastor, girlfriend, boyfriend, boss, school, company, and even a church.  In Hebrews 12:15 the author describes bitterness as a root:

See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

In 2010 I was diagnosed with cancer. My surgeon said to me that the best way to deal with cancer is to get it out of there. I was willing to go through major surgery in order to rid myself of the cancer knowing that if I did not it would eventually kill me. The reason a discipler must relentlessly pursue the root cause in your disciple is because bitterness is a spiritual cancer and it will slowly eat away at him until it destroys him.

In closing:

  • Self-destructive behavior is the fruit of a deeper cause, which is usually bitterness.
  • The door leading to the root of bitterness in your disciple will be found in the stories of hurt and disappointment from his life.

Teaching Your Disciple How to Forgive #1

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Sin generates tragedy. Gerald wept openly in the IHOP as he told me that he had gotten two women pregnant within a month, neither of whom he wanted to marry, and both mothers wanted to keep the baby. He said to me, “Do you know how scary it is to have your behavior out of control?”

It is easy to be preoccupied with your disciple’s destructive behavior and its consequences (How to pay child support for two babies for 18 years?) and miss its cause. The drama of his escapades can become a welcome diversion for both you and your disciple from the more difficult challenge of dealing with the root cause. I say a welcome diversion because to face the cause behind his injurious behavior will require trust, fortitude, perseverance, and courage for both of you.

For you there is the risk of your disciple pushing you away or rejecting you, as you edge closer to the shame that he has covered for years. For the disciple you are asking him to place himself in the vulnerable position of trusting you and the Lord as he faces his greatest fears and most painful memories. Many will choose to continue on the path of destructive behavior, no matter how grave the consequences, rather than to face the cause.   The root in most cases is bitterness that is tied to their hurt.

In closing:

  1. Expect your disciple to either lash out at you or to disappear as you begin to explore the hurt and fear in his life. This is normal.
  2. Although you have to deal with the consequences of his behavior, you must also keep a balanced approach of searching for the root cause.
  3. The process of discovering root causes will take months and years rather than days and weeks.

Using Symbols To Find Significance

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As a disciple maker you may need to help your disciple discern where he has displaced God in his life and if so with whom or what.  Mankind is constantly searching for substitutes for God. The Israelites displaced God with a gold calf while Paul tells us in the book of Romans that man has exchanged the Creator God with created things.

Insecurity and delusional thinking will cause your disciple to attach himself to a symbol that represents for him a value that he believes will contribute to his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his opinion of himself.   He thinks that if he wears a particular piece of clothing, owns the latest cell phone, has a girlfriend, or belongs to a specific group of friends that somehow their importance will rub off on him.  He seeks to find value by association.

Discerning symbols is tricky because what is significant for one person may have no meaning to another.  For one man the type of automobile he drives is an important statement while for another a car is nothing more than a means to get from one place to another.

Insecurity comes from placing my trust in anything or anyone that can be taken away from me.  Good looks will age, abilities will fade, cars will rust, and relationships may fail.  Security for your disciple can only be found in his placement of trust and value in God.

In closing:

  1. The Lord will use suffering to wean your disciple off of misplaced trust.
  2. Help your disciple bridge to new friendships with people who are secure followers of Jesus.
  3. Read and discuss Israel’s distrust in God and their misplaced trust during the Exodus.  (Numbers 14; Deuteronomy 1 & 6)

Symbol Usage

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Recently a Christian told me that there was nothing he enjoyed more than lighting up a cigarette in front of other Christians just to make a statement.  Cigarette smoking has become for him a symbol that he uses to disassociate himself from a certain “brand” of Christianity.  Cigarette smoking in itself is not a symbol but when smoking is used to convey a message it becomes a symbol.

Whatever the motive behind your disciple’s symbols it is important for you to investigate them in order to know and understand him.  He may not even be aware that he has embraced certain symbols let alone what the motive is behind them and so it is your job to help him explore the reasoning in each of his symbols.  Some symbols are noble while others are self-destructive.

There are several ways that your disciple may use a symbol:

  1. Identification.  He chooses symbols to identify to whom or what he belongs.  Neal’s room is decorated in team pennants from the Bulls, Cubs, Bears, and Black Hawks as he unabashedly declares himself a Chicagoan.
  2. Disassociation.  Another use of a symbol is to distance oneself from a particular person, group, or ideology as seen in the cigarette illustration above.
  3. A Weapon.  Symbols can be used as a weapon to hurt others.  A child knows exactly which symbols will upset his parents or “get his parent’s goat” as the saying goes.  A child can also target his parents by desecrating a symbol that his parents hold dear.
  4. A Cry for help.  Your disciple may have cried out for help for years to his parents, friends, teachers, and to fellow believers to no avail, and so in desperation he turns to a “flare gun” symbol that he hopes will get someone’s attention.

Understanding Symbols

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Symbols are powerful and play an important role in understanding what it means to belong. A symbol is a visual object, gesture, or sound used to convey ideas and beliefs. Each group creates symbols to identify those who belong and those who do not.  The bald eagle is a symbol of the United States of America.  The extended arm was a symbol of the Nazis.  “Oorah” is the verbal symbol of the Marines.

Symbols of belonging are emotionally charged. The bald eagle is just a bird in most cultures, but to a U.S. citizen it represents the values, history, and passion in what it means to be an American.   An eagle flying over a baseball stadium during the national anthem stirs the soul of an American.  Desecrate the American eagle and you will experience the ire of her citizenry.

To get to know your disciple you must understand the symbols in his life.  Although symbols take on many forms they will faithfully lead you to the heart and thinking of your disciple.  He may not be able to express in words what he is feeling or thinking but the symbols on which his life revolves will speak for him.

A symbol can be as simple as a piece of clothing, a shoe, a type of bike, a style of glasses, a movie, a brand of beer, a cigarette, a team jersey, a tattoo, make of car, venue of music, a neighborhood,  a hair style or color, a make of computer, a flag, a computer game, etc.  The older he becomes and the more money he accumulates the more sophisticated his symbols.   Here in the city even a brand of baby stroller is a symbolic statement of who is “in” and who is “out.”

But many symbols only represent a superficial belonging.  Your disciple possessing a symbol does not necessarily mean that he belongs to a group anymore than him shouting “oorah” means he belongs to the Marine Corp.  A symbol is only an expression of belonging and not the belonging itself.

Made to Belong

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Within your disciple is a conflict between his need to belong and his fear of rejection.   He is constantly searching for a group to which he can safely attach while at the same time keeping his guard up because of the painful memories of disappointing relationships.  This double message he transmits to others confuses them to the point that they do not know how to respond to him.   He then senses their awkwardness and becomes even more insecure.  Sometimes in a brave or impulsive moment he may guardedly attach himself to a group with an optimism that these new friends maybe different, only to be disappointed once again. The more disappointments your disciple accumulates the deeper his despair, which opens the door to erratic and self-destructive behavior.

Man is made to belong.  Being an image bearer of God he is designed to belong to God and to others as demonstrated in the love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  The degree of your disciple’s relational pain corresponds in direct proportion to his need to belong.   Evidence of the importance of belonging is seen in the void he experiences in its absence.  The reason why rejection hurts deeply and its sting endures is because of the vast capacity God has given us to love.

The good news about Jesus is that he makes it possible for us to belong.   Paul explains:

For he (Jesus) himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.  (Ephesians 2:14-18)

Jesus destroyed barriers and walls of hostility so that we can be united with the heavenly Father and become one with one another.

Longing to Belong

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Parents and disciple makers get it wrong when they try and form a person’s character by outward conformity.  It is putting the second thing first, the cart before the horse.  To make a disciple of Jesus begins by engrafting him into a group (family) where he belongs and then out of this belonging will flow the character of Jesus. It is the first thing.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “…you can’t get second things by putting them first.  You get second things only by putting first things first” [1]. It is fruitless to try and get your disciple to live by kingdom values or to have a right attitude if he does not understand to whom he belongs.  You will become frustrated and you will frustrate your disciple if you do not begin by helping him unite to God and to a people, which I would argue are inseparable.

Man is created in the image of God, which means he was designed to belong.  When your disciple feels disconnected his behavior will become erratic and often self-destructive as he seeks to compensate for his detachment.   He will attach himself to some inappropriate group through inappropriate bonds to give the illusion that he belongs somewhere and to someone.

When Jesus called his men to follow him, he was also calling them to belong to a group of 12 other men. Jesus formed a community not only because it flowed out his nature but also because he knew that for his disciples to live as God intended they must belong to one another through bonds formed by love.

In closing:

  • Rarely do I disciple someone apart from being with him in community.
  • A large part of the discipling process is teaching your disciple how to love and receive love and how to serve others and to be served in community.
  • Starting a discipling community is difficult as seen in Jesus’ disciples’ relationship with one another.  It is more difficult than starting a bible study, small group, or maybe even a church plant.  It takes months and years rather than weeks.  The process does become easier as your disciples learn how to love one another.

[1] C.S. Lewis, “First and Second Things,” in God in the Dock: Essays on Theology and Ethics (Eerdmans, 1994), p. 280.

 

The Manipulator #5

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Hopelessness in your disciple’s outlook is another indication of a manipulator’s influence over his life. Hopelessness is a deep gloom arising from a belief of the uselessness of further effort.  It is a favorite tool of a manipulator to control another.  He creates the illusion that there is no way out.

It is important to remember that manipulators cast a long shadow so you may need to explore relationships from your disciple’s past that still have a control over his thinking and behavior.  It could be a parent, grandparent, past girlfriend, past teacher, etc.  John was a college student I discipled whose entire life revolved around a statement made to him by his second grade teacher who said, “You can’t seem to do anything right.”

In Daniel chapter 6 we have an example in how to deal with a manipulator.  Daniel’s manipulators had arranged circumstances so that without a miracle his situation was humanly hopeless.  Even King Darius, who was the most powerful man in the world, could not help Daniel.  Daniel dealt with his manipulators by focusing on the trustworthiness of the Lord.

The natural response for your disciple will be to focus his attention on his manipulator (who always wants to be the center of attention) and his circumstances.  As long as the disciple’s attention is on the manipulator or his circumstances the manipulator is in control.  Part of the secret of his power over a person is his ability to keep the attention off of the Lord and onto himself.  In contrast, a true friend will always seek to point the attention to the Lord and not onto himself.

Our God is the God of hope. Paul writes:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13)

The Lord always brings hope to a situation no matter how desperate or powerful the manipulator.

The Manipulator #4

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A manipulator carefully studies his prey. He continually probes and prods your disciple looking for a weak spot. The manipulator then uses this weak spot as a point of leverage to control your disciple.  It does not matter how many strengths your disciple has, it takes only one point of vulnerability for a manipulator to take him down.

A common vulnerability is shame.  Shame is a painful emotion caused by the loss of: innocence, reputation, or self-respect. This shame may be private, of which only your disciple is aware, or his shame may be public of which everyone is aware, either way shame makes cowards of us all.  The manipulator discovers this shame and then uses it to control his victim.  I have even seen manipulators draw a person into a sinful act into order to establish shame as a control point in his victim.

The good news of Jesus deals directly with shame.  The cross removes all shame, whether private or public.  No matter the decree of shame in the life of your disciple the grace of the gospel goes even deeper.  Shame has a powerful attraction that draws your disciple to fixate on his own shame.  As a disciple maker you want to point the inward eyes of your disciple upon Jesus.  Hebrews 12:2 states:

Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

  • Shame if one of the most powerful dark forces in your disciple’s life.  Expect aversion and push back.
  • Shame casts a long shadow.  Shame may come from your disciple’s childhood or as recent as yesterday.
  • Unless your disciple confronts his shame he will be vulnerable to any manipulator.

The Manipulator #3

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A manipulator disrupts and neutralizes your disciple’s relationship with his family and friends. She subtlety drives a velvet wedge between your disciple and all his relationships.  Relationships that once were strong are now strained.  In the beginning the wedge is imperceptible so that it seems as if the manipulator wants a relationship with your disciple’s family and friends but then over time there grows a distance between him and all his relationships.  A good manipulator deceives your disciple so well that when his relationships do become detached he believes that others are the problem, not him.

In Daniel chapter 6 we see how effectively a manipulator can neutralizes a relationship. King Darius loved Daniel and planned to promote him to rule over the whole kingdom.  Yet manipulators who surrounded the king were so crafty that they were able to neutralize his relationship with Daniel even though Darius was the most powerful man in the world.  (Never underestimate the shrewdness of a manipulator.)

The account states:

Then they (the manipulators) said to the king, “Daniel, who is one of the exiles from Judah, pays no attention to you, O King, or to the decree you put in writing.  He still prays three times a day.”  When the king heard this, he was greatly distressed; he was determined to rescue Daniel and made ever effort until sundown to save him. (Daniel 6 13-14)

In the end Darius was powerless to help Daniel.

Random closing thoughts:

  • A parent who is a manipulator seeks to control his child and all the child’s relationships under the guise of “good parenting.”
  • A mate who is a manipulator creates a distance between his wife’s relationship with her family and friends.  He may not want children for fear that he will lose control of his wife or have to share her with someone else.
  • A child who is a manipulator will drive a wedge between his mom and dad and will seek to control his parent’s relationships with his siblings.
  • A friend who is a manipulator disrupts a person’s relationship with old friends and family.
  • A new girlfriend should not disrupt a guy’s relationship with his parents or friends but actually she should be a catalyst to draw his family and friends closer together.
  • A non-manipulator will fit into existing family and friend relationships.