Author Archives: Lewie Clark

Listening: The Duty of Love

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I can speak to many people at one time but I can only listen to one person at a time. Listening is what makes ministry loving and personal. As a pastor people would “connect” with me by listening to my teaching. I even had some who thought of me as their friend and yet we had never met. It was a one-way connection, which is not a friendship at all.

Paul Tillich writes, “The first duty of love is to listen,” and yet how rare it is to have anyone listen to us, even though Christianity is supposed to be marked by love. Ministries spend thousands of dollars and work long hours trying to get people to listen to them. Our seminaries, colleges, and churches teach us how to preach, how to teach, and how to share our story, but not how to listen.

Listening well to others requires inner strength because it places the listener in a vulnerable position. Whether as an extrovert or an introvert we protect ourselves from possible rejection. Extroverts are capable of creating a multilayered verbal force field, which seems friendly but in reality is self-protective. Introverts on the other hand are masters at evasive maneuvers to avoid unwanted conversations.

To love I must boldly drop my shield or bravely come out from hiding to engage others in order to listen with an intent to understand what the person is saying.

Although Jesus taught large groups there are also recorded for us one-on-one conversations that he had with individuals, Nicodemus and the woman at the well being two good examples. Both were never the same after being listened to by Jesus.

 

 

To Listen Is To Love

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My heart’s condition determines my capacity to listen. To listen necessitates the same humility and self-sacrifice required to serve others. Robert Greenleaf wrote, “A true natural servant automatically responds to any problem by listening first. True listening builds strength in other people.”[1] To listen is to laydown my life for another.

The self-absorbed heart is deaf to the needs of others even when people are speaking (or shouting) directly to it. The problem is not a deaf ear but a diseased heart. A whole heart will seek to understand what is being said whereas pride sees little need to listen.

Jesus says it this way:

“For this people’s heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.” Matthew 15:13

God listens because God is love. God asks us to pray because without two-way communication there is no loving relationship. At great cost He restored his relationship with man so that He, in part, could listen. He loves to listen because He loves much.

To follow Jesus and to be Godlike is to willingly laydown my life for others by listening well.

[1] Robert K. Greenleaf, http://www.concordiaonline.net/what-is-servant-leadership/

What Does God Look Like?

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Disciples of Jesus are made by people experiencing God in relationship and not by curriculum or the transfer of information alone. To study and research about Abraham Lincoln is not the same thing as having been a friend of Lincoln.

Jesus formed his disciples into a community around him so that they could experience what it means to be loved and to belong and for us to be able to see what God’s will “on earth as it is in heaven” looks like as Jesus with his disciples lived it out.

The character that Jesus’s disciples experienced from him were:

  1. Humility. Counting the others in the group as more important than yourself.

“ . . .He humbled himself by becoming obedient to death even death on a cross!” Philippians 2:8

  1. Servant’s Heart. To serve the practical needs of others.

“ . . .Rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant.” Philippians 2:7

  1. Self-sacrifice. To willingly lay down your life for your brothers and sisters.

“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”

John 15:13

Jesus engrafted each man into the group of twelve for a three-year period for them to experience the essence of God so that they could become like Jesus. As the disciples were conformed to be like him they would grow in their love one another and their love for one another was the proof to the world that they were followers of Jesus. Their witness was their community and their community was their witness.

“By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:35

 

Stop Worrying About Singles

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The best thing you can do for your single adult son or daughter is to stop worrying about them. Worry will not solve whatever concerns you have about your single children and it harms your relationship with them. Your attitude about the future of your children reveals what you really believe about the Lord’s heart towards your children. A parent’s trust in the heavenly Father for their children’s well-being is a good gift to them and it will bring to them a sense of security.

Worry is an agitated anxiety about your children’s future that comes from focusing on the immediate circumstances. “Why can’t my daughter find a nice husband?” “Will I ever become a grandmother?” Worry wants a quick fix to the situation, whereas an appropriate perspective takes on a long-range outlook by guiding each child to trust the heavenly Father for a lifetime.

Worry is the sinister cousin of manipulation. Parents need to be careful not to use the language of worry and to avoid sending subliminal messages of worry that could be seen by your children as an attempt to manipulate them. Hints about finding a nice wife or husband and mentioning how your friend has just become a grandparent is not appropriate. Your children will know if you are worried about them.

 

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Singleness and Worry

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Singleness is not a justification to worry. A distinctive of all followers of Jesus is that there is no place for worry in their lives.

It is only natural for singles to wonder who will take care of them in illness and old age. For some their greatest fear is to die alone and for others it is that they will be all alone in their later years.

The heavenly Father will care for his single children in old age just as he has throughout their entire lives. Our trust cannot be in a government, a 401K, a pension, church, family members, or friends. Social Security could go broke, the economy may crash, the church may close, and family and friends may die before us. Security can only be found by trusting in the keen attentiveness and care of a loving heavenly Father. (Matthew 6:32)

In reality there is little difference between facing the future being married or single. It is presumptuous for married people to think that their mate or their children will care for them in their old age because there is no guarantee that their mate or children will live past tomorrow. It is also assuming for singles to think that “if only” they had a mate and children that they would feel secure about growing older.

Worry is a waste of time and height of assumption. As Jesus pointed out “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27)

 

 

Church Feels Unsafe For Singles

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Church feels unsafe for many singles. Although congregations would say that they love singles and that they are welcome here (We even have a singles’ ministry!) there is a subliminal double message, which says, “You’re not enough.”

Marriage and having children are an unspoken rite of passage in our churches and often a qualification for ministry and so for those that have never married or have never had children there is the sense that you have not yet arrived. (In my research I have discovered couples that are unable to have children experience a similar stigma as the singles do in their churches.)

Singles also look around their churches and notice that rarely are there singles in leadership. Just today I was told of a lay leadership position in a church that was not given to a person because he is single. He was told that the church was more comfortable with a married couple in the position even though he was the most qualified person in their church to lead that particular ministry.

One question I ask singles is if their spiritual leaders have affirmed their singleness?

To date not one single that I have talked with has ever been affirmed in his or her singleness. They are loved and appreciated by leadership and their spiritual family but no one has ever pulled them aside and said, “We see your singleness as a gift from the Lord and that you are a whole person and a capable individual. Your singleness has enabled you to do ministry that a married person could never do. We are glad you are single and part of our family!”

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Mythbuster: Singleness-Myth #10

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Myth #10 Singles can be fickle and irresponsible.

Truth: There are singles that are trustworthy.

Nowhere else in American society are singles separated out as they are in the Protestant church. Although there are many aspects of our lives that we entrust to singles, our pilot, nurse, doctor, boss, and accountant all could be single, but when it comes to our spiritual lives we hesitate to submit ourselves to the leadership of singles. It is rare to find a single church staff member.

When we meet a single we automatically assume that something must be wrong. Yet in the first century a young single named Timothy proved himself to be trustworthy and he was able to lead others to follow Jesus.

“For this reason I have sent to you Timothy, my son whom I love, who is faithful in the Lord. He will remind you of my way of life in Christ Jesus, which agrees with what I teach everywhere in every church.” 1 Corinthians 4:17

“But you know that Timothy has proved himself, because as a son with his father he has served with me in the work of the gospel”. Philippians 2:22

Not all singles are spiritually trustworthy, but just as married people will overtime establish their faithfulness to the Lord so a single can establish his or her reputation as a man or woman of God. The disciples in Timothy’s hometown of Lystra recognized his spiritual uniqueness and based on their recommendation Paul invited Timothy to minister along side of him, a partnership that lasted for 18 years.

“Paul came to Derbe and then to Lystra, where a disciple named Timothy lived, whose mother was Jewish and a believer but whose father was a Greek. 2 The believers at Lystra and Iconium spoke well of him.” Acts 16:1-2

 

Mythbuster: Singleness-Myth #9

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Myth #9 Singles tend to be strange.

Truth: Peculiarity is not limited to singles.

I admit that I have met some strange singles over the years but I have also known some pretty peculiar married people. Marriage does not eradicate strangeness and in some cases exasperates it.

Singles can serve as Godly role models for all believers to follow. Paul, Barnabas, Silas, Timothy, and Titus as singles served as examples for the new believers to imitate in the first century. In more recent times David Brainerd, John Stott, Amy Carmichael, and Henrietta Mears have all inspired Christianity by their example.

“You became imitators of us and of the Lord, for you welcomed the message in the midst of severe suffering with the joy given by the Holy Spirit. 7 And so you became a model to all the believers in Macedonia and Achaia.”

1 Thessalonians 1:6-7

Mythbuster: Singleness-Myth #8

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Myth #8 Singles are sexually promiscuous.

Truth: A mark of kingdom singleness is that he or she can control his or her sexual desire.

”Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9

The presumption that marriage ensures sexual purity, by definition creates an expectation that singles will be promiscuous.

Spiritual leaders should be diligent to promote the moral virtue of singles that are followers of Jesus but no more or no less than we would want to ensure the purity of married couples. Paul includes both male and females in his recommendation of marriage for those who are impassioned with sexual desire. In the book of Proverbs all the promiscuous women were married, it is not just men who burn with passion.

Most should marry and enjoy God’s good gift of matrimony but being married and becoming a parent does not guarantee purity. There are husbands, wives, dads, and moms that continue to “play the field.”

As hard as it is for some married couples to believe, it is possible to be single and to live a joyful, chaste, sincere, and holy life because of Jesus within him or her as exemplified by Paul, Barnabas, Timothy, and Titus even in the midst of a sexually charged culture.

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Mythbuster: Singleness-Myth #5, Myth #6, Myth #7

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Myth #5 Singleness is not desirable for ministry.

Truth: Singleness has advantages over marriage in ministry.

Paul viewed his singleness as advantageous. A husband or wife is a good gift from the Lord but singleness is an equally good gift to certain ones of his children. God is not any less good to a single than he is to a married couple blessed with many children.

The early church did not view Paul or Barnabas as disadvantaged because of their singleness; rather as singles they served as leaders and role models for believers to follow.

“Join together in following my (Paul) example, brothers and sisters, and just as you have us as a model, keep your eyes on those who live as we do.” Philippians 3:17.“

Myth #6 Singles are incomplete people.

Truth: Singles (never married, widowed, divorced) are whole individuals because of the risen Messiah living within them.

Over the past three months I have interviewed singles that are in fulltime ministry and over 35 years old. One woman said in the interview, “Lewie, as a single I am not a 65% person or a 80% person but because of Jesus within me I am a 100% complete individual. It is Jesus who makes a person complete and content not marriage.”

A friend of mine said to me, “I just want people to stop feeling sorry for me because I am single! It is condescending for others to think that I am disadvantaged as a single.”

It is an affront to the heavenly Father to feel sorry for a single to whom the Lord has given the good gift of singleness. It is also presumptuous to think others must desire the same thing I do.

Should a person feel bad for desiring to get married? Certainly not, but neither should married couples assume that singleness is a bad thing for someone else.

Myth #7 Singles are discontent.

Truth: Marriage does not guarantee contentment.

A discontented single is more visible and memorable than those who are content and so there is a tendency to think of singles as overall discontent. Although there are unhappy singles there are also discontented married couples.

Paul serves as an example of joy and contentment though single.

“I (Paul) am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

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