Category Archives: Love

Bitter at God #3

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The absence of prayer and meditation on the Word of God in the life of your disciple is an indicator that he may be bitter at the Lord.  The lack of a quiet time is not a discipline issue but a relational one.

Our ministry has many young adults, which means a lot of dating. I am humored at how the same young man who struggles to find time for devotions will discover plenty of time for his new girlfriend. What motivates these couples to make time for one another is not a newfound discipline but love. We spend time with those we love and we make time to do the things that we love.

Man is created in the image of God and therefore we relate to him in a similar way that we do with our fellow humans. As we withdraw emotionally from those who have wronged or disappointed us so we withhold our hearts from the Lord when disillusioned with him. We are usually ill at ease around those who have hurt us and so it is awkward to spend time in prayer with the God whom we believe has let us down.

In closing:

  • The type of people with whom your disciple spends his time is an indicator of his heart condition. Bitter people usually do not spend time with Godly people.
  • Help your disciple understand that his relationship with the Lord is love centered and not just a discipline.
  • When your disciple is struggling with prayer and time meditating on the Bible check to see if he may be disappointed with some circumstance of his life that he has carried over into his relationship with the Lord.

Teaching Your Disciple How to Forgive #5

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The problem may be that your disciple is bitter at God. Although he may be uncomfortable admitting it (because the idea does have a hint of blasphemy in it), as you dig into the recesses of his heart you will often find resentment towards the Lord.

Over Christmas break I spoke at the Christian Fellowship Church, which is the church in which I grew up and where my parents have attended for 55 years. I took a few minutes after the service and walked through the Sunday school rooms to reminisce. Lillian DeBoer’s preschool department has always held a special place in my heart. It had flannel graph, a table that converted into a sandbox, a goldfish bowl, and an endless supply of Kool-Aid and vanilla wafers.  It was in this room that the foundations for my theology and worldview were laid. Mrs. DeBoer would ask our class, “Boys and girls who made the flowers?” and we would answer “Jesus!” “And who made the trees?” “Jesus!” “And the birds?” “Jesus!” Each question was answered with an increasing enthusiasm until we reached the crescendo, “And who made me?” And we would shout “Jesus!!!”

It was and still is solid theology, but as I got older I was able to string concepts together and it occurred to me “So if God made me, then it his fault that I have the body that I do and the brain that I don’t.” Later other questions puzzled me, “Why would a loving God allow bad things to happen to me and could he not have protected me?”

We are created in the image of God and therefore we relate to him in a personal way not dissimilar to the way we relate to others as John describes:

Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. (1 John 4:20)

When I am hurt or disappointed with someone I can easily become resentful towards him or her.  When I hurt or disappointed with God I too can become bitter towards him as I would anyone, but maybe even more so. I say even more so because if God is all-powerful, loving, and wise why did he not intervene on my behalf?

Keep in mind that your disciple’s view of God was formed while he was a young child. Andrew said to me, “I pled with God when I was 7 years old to not let my parents get a divorce but he didn’t answer my prayer.” From that point on there was a wedge between Andrew and the Lord.

In closing:

  • The seed of bitterness could have been implanted in your disciple’s heart at a young age.
  • Usually if your disciple is bitter at someone or something you can be pretty sure he is also bitter towards God.
  • Distance from the Lord and having a hard time drawing close to him is a good indication of bitterness towards the Lord. (It is difficult to be intimate with someone at whom I am bitter.)

Teaching Your Disciple How to Forgive #3

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Most people are unaware of their bitterness. As a parasite keeps itself undetectable to its host so bitterness eludes your disciple. Together you and he must diligently search for the bitterness in his heart because if not dealt with properly it will destroy him.  Oh, he may live to an old age but his inner-man will shrivel up, harden, and contaminate those around him. Bitterness in never confined to the individual, it is an infectious disease that will adversely affect others around him as told in Hebrews 12:15, “ …that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” It will devastate his marriage, family, and friendships.

One reason that a person is unaware of the bitterness in his life is because of his misconception of the characteristics of bitterness.  We tend to think of a bitter person as cantankerous, resentful, hateful, and negative. Your disciple compares himself to those he considers bitter and is convinced that though others may be bitter, he certainly is not.

I have found that the best way to ease into the topic of bitterness is by having my disciple tell me his life story. I begin the process by having him draw a timeline of his life on a piece of paper.  Over weeks we build the timeline as he tells me of the events of his life from birth until the present. As your disciple tells his story you are listening for the hurt and disappointments no matter how young he was at the time or how seemingly insignificant the incident.

A couple of insights about bitterness:

  • For many the years immediately after college is a time when they struggle with bitterness. (I will explain more in a later post.)
  • Bitterness has the intent of revenge aimed toward a particular individual or organization.
  • Whenever you find bitterness you can usually uncover a disappointment.

Made to Belong

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Within your disciple is a conflict between his need to belong and his fear of rejection.   He is constantly searching for a group to which he can safely attach while at the same time keeping his guard up because of the painful memories of disappointing relationships.  This double message he transmits to others confuses them to the point that they do not know how to respond to him.   He then senses their awkwardness and becomes even more insecure.  Sometimes in a brave or impulsive moment he may guardedly attach himself to a group with an optimism that these new friends maybe different, only to be disappointed once again. The more disappointments your disciple accumulates the deeper his despair, which opens the door to erratic and self-destructive behavior.

Man is made to belong.  Being an image bearer of God he is designed to belong to God and to others as demonstrated in the love between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.  The degree of your disciple’s relational pain corresponds in direct proportion to his need to belong.   Evidence of the importance of belonging is seen in the void he experiences in its absence.  The reason why rejection hurts deeply and its sting endures is because of the vast capacity God has given us to love.

The good news about Jesus is that he makes it possible for us to belong.   Paul explains:

For he (Jesus) himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, 15 by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, 16 and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. 17 He came and preached peace to you who were far away and peace to those who were near. 18 For through him we both have access to the Father by one Spirit.  (Ephesians 2:14-18)

Jesus destroyed barriers and walls of hostility so that we can be united with the heavenly Father and become one with one another.

Longing to Belong

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Parents and disciple makers get it wrong when they try and form a person’s character by outward conformity.  It is putting the second thing first, the cart before the horse.  To make a disciple of Jesus begins by engrafting him into a group (family) where he belongs and then out of this belonging will flow the character of Jesus. It is the first thing.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “…you can’t get second things by putting them first.  You get second things only by putting first things first” [1]. It is fruitless to try and get your disciple to live by kingdom values or to have a right attitude if he does not understand to whom he belongs.  You will become frustrated and you will frustrate your disciple if you do not begin by helping him unite to God and to a people, which I would argue are inseparable.

Man is created in the image of God, which means he was designed to belong.  When your disciple feels disconnected his behavior will become erratic and often self-destructive as he seeks to compensate for his detachment.   He will attach himself to some inappropriate group through inappropriate bonds to give the illusion that he belongs somewhere and to someone.

When Jesus called his men to follow him, he was also calling them to belong to a group of 12 other men. Jesus formed a community not only because it flowed out his nature but also because he knew that for his disciples to live as God intended they must belong to one another through bonds formed by love.

In closing:

  • Rarely do I disciple someone apart from being with him in community.
  • A large part of the discipling process is teaching your disciple how to love and receive love and how to serve others and to be served in community.
  • Starting a discipling community is difficult as seen in Jesus’ disciples’ relationship with one another.  It is more difficult than starting a bible study, small group, or maybe even a church plant.  It takes months and years rather than weeks.  The process does become easier as your disciples learn how to love one another.

[1] C.S. Lewis, “First and Second Things,” in God in the Dock: Essays on Theology and Ethics (Eerdmans, 1994), p. 280.

 

The Manipulator #1

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Your disciple may be caught in the trap of a manipulator.  This manipulator could be his mother, father, brother, sister, mate, child, boyfriend, girlfriend, friend, pastor, teacher, or boss . . . a manipulator could be anyone. Teaching your disciple how to recognize and deal with a manipulator is an important part of the disciple making process.

What is a manipulator?

A manipulator uses unfair or subtle means to control circumstances or people to his own advantage.

The manipulator disguises his actions so shrewdly that few recognize his true intent.  He is so masterful at deflecting the blame off of himself and onto others that if questions do arise both the victim and the outside observer believes that the victim is the real problem.

Manipulation is the antithesis of love.  One of the tools I use to help my disciple discern manipulation is 1 Corinthians 13.  Here the apostle Paul gives us a clear and understandable picture of love, which we can use as measurement against the behavior of the manipulator.

Beginning the process:

  1. Discuss with your disciple each of his relationships, both past and present, with the eye for the manipulator.
  2. Manipulators strike fear in the heart of your disciple.  Expect reluctance, procrastination, and excuses when he begins to deal with the manipulator(s) in his life.
  3. The process is long.  De-tangling any manipulative relationship is complicated and will take time, but dealing with a family member who is a manipulator is even more knotty and can take even more time.

The Role of Friendships in Making Disciples #1

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Friendships are a mirror of who a person is.  If you want to understand your disciple, get to know his friends.  Your disciple has chosen his friends and his friends have chosen him.

Parents, you should not be nearly as concerned about friends being a bad influence on your child as who your son or daughter chooses as a friend because the choice of friends is a reliable indicator of the inner man of your child.  Another window into your child’s heart is who chooses your son or daughter as a friend, because like attracts like.  Children know how to deceive their parents, teachers, coaches, youth pastors, and disciplers but friendships expose a person for who he really is.

Often when I point out this friendship mirror principle to my disciples it makes them uncomfortable. One guy recently said to me, “But I don’t want to become like my friends!” even though he was already exactly like his friends.  It is comfortable to live in denial believing that I am in a better condition than my friends, when in reality friendships are an accurate diagnostic tool for my heart condition.

Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back #4: Understanding Disciple Growth Patterns

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Love is never satisfied with status quo in the life of another.  Love inspires a discipler to “always hope, always trust, and to always persevere” (1 Corinthians 13) for the life of his disciple even when his behavior and attitude are to the contrary. Faith empowers love to look beyond the disciple’s backward slide to see who and what he can become through the power of the cross and resurrection of Jesus and the empowerment of the Holy Spirit living in him.

The disciple growth pattern goes something like this:  (1) there is an initial growth spurt, which encourages the disciple and gives him hope.  (2) But old scripting, which is often tied to his fears, draws him back.  (3) Disappointment moves in at this point, which feeds his fear, (4) and he reverts to his familiar coping devices.  Just as Jesus dealt with the fears of his disciples, so it is impossible to make a follower of Jesus without him facing his fears.

Making a disciple is a long process so these growth patterns are best understood in terms of months and years.  Old scripting from childhood is crafty.  It may lay dormant for months, which lures the disciple into over confidence so that he lets his guard down.  As a disciple maker not only should you not be surprised at the reoccurrence of these scripts but you should be on the lookout for them.

Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back #3

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The dark side of man enjoys the failure of others, regrettably even in the lives of family and friends.  This is evident in our appetite for gossip and our eagerness to hear of the drama in the lives of others. (By drama I mean the failure, conflict, hurt, sin, hatred, and hardship brought on by selfishness.)  Unhealthy people build their relationships around this drama, so that without the drama they have no relationships.

As a disciple of Jesus you must guard your heart against this taste for gossip and drama, which frankly is evil.   There is a fine line between entering into the life story of your disciple and being sucked into the self-centered drama of his life.  For some of your disciples the only way they will know how to relate to you is by creating drama, which may explain his unusual behavior and attitude towards you.

Not only is our nature drawn to the failure of others but Satan also draws our attention and the attention of our disciple to his steps backward, which can blind both of us to his progress.  Spiritual progress is difficult to perceive, much like the growth of a child, whereas failure is obvious.

Love, on the other hand, has the faith and strength to detect the baby steps of growth.  Paul tells us that: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” 1 Corinthians 13. Our disciples should sense from us optimism grounded in a conviction that the gospel and the Holy Spirit are able to transform lives.

Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back #1

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Spiritual growth in the life of your disciple moves to a three-steps-forward, two-steps back cadence. What is important for the discipler is to focus on the one step of progress rather than to get discouraged over the two steps of failure.

The extensive account of Jesus’ time with his disciples allows us to witness this rhythm of growth in the life of his men.  Jesus is patient with the maturing process of his disciples because he never loses sight of what each man could and would become.  Paul writes: “Love always hopes” (1 Corinthians 13). It is vital that your disciple always senses this hope from you especially in the midst of his failure. Hope focuses on the step of progress, which can be difficult because often there is twice as much failure as there is progress.

In closing:

  • Regularly point out to your disciple the steps of progress he/she has made in recent months.  I usually do this four ways: face-to-face, in a note, text message, and email.
  • Tell your disciple what other people are noticing about his growth.
  • Help your disciple learn from his failure but do not let him dwell there. People tend to dwell on their steps backward and lose sight of their overall forward progress.
  • Frame for your disciple the maturing process in context of years and therefore he must be patient with the process.  Jesus spent nearly three years with his men.