The mid-twenties are a difficult time for most American men. At 25 he can no longer fall back on “I’m just a college student” and he realizes that he must become responsible on new levels. He grieves over the loss of the freedom of youth as he recognizes that life will never be the same. There is also a growing frustration as he feels inadequate, ill-prepared, and afraid because his parents, schools, and churches did not prepared him for adulthood. He becomes aware that society has changed its attitude towards him and that they now have an expectation of manhood without showing him how.

Some cultures have a rite of passage for children at 13 years of age. The adults come around the boy to affirm his belonging to them and to help him transition to manhood. But because America does not have an intentional rite of passage the men find themselves struggling alone through a self-directed rite of passage at around 25 years of age (about 12 years too late), which only reinforces rugged individualism and isolation rather than the sense of belonging that God intended for all men. Forming a rite of passage for our children is the responsibility of the nuclear family and the family of God.

In closing:

• Be aware that those around you in their mid-twenties maybe going through a difficult time.
• Our spiritual family/church establishes belonging with each twenty-something. He belongs to us and we belong to him.
• We come around those in their mid-twenties to help them navigate the transition to manhood.
• Our spiritual family/church comes along side our families to assist in a rite of passage for their sons and daughters.

Lew Clark at Grandson’s Nigerian Rite of Passage Ceremony 2013

At my nephew’s Nigerian rite of passage ceremony my dad gave him a beautifully carved Swiss knife. He explained that the knife had been given to him 60 years earlier by an army chaplain who had discipled him while he was stationed in Italy. I, along with my brothers, were surprised at the gift because we had no knowledge of its existence nor did we any knowledge of this army chaplain who we now know as Colonel Newell E. Taylor.

This experience disturbed me as I realized for the first time how little I knew about my spiritual ancestry. I immediately began to explore my spiritual heritage by interviewing my parents, Taylor Gardner, and his wife Jimmye who had discipled me 35 years ago.  As they introduced me to these ancestors the more I understood God’s direction in my life and I saw the significant role they had played in the development of my faith.

Chaplain Colonel
Newell E. Taylor

Americans have little awareness of ancestry because it is not a value of an individualistic culture. There is little attempt on the part of parents or grandparents to connect children to their physical or spiritual ancestors.  (Illustrated by the fact that I did not know of Newell Taylor who had a large impact on my dad’s spiritual life.)

In contrast, my Jewish friends and my Nigerian brother-in-law have a strong connection to their ancestry passed on to their descendants through name selection, ceremonies, symbols, and story telling which forms a sense of belonging and identity in a child.  Paul thought spiritual ancestry significant enough to remind Timothy of the faith that had been passed down to him through his grandmother and mother.

“I have been reminded of your sincere faith, which first lived in your grandmother Lois and in your mother Eunice and, I am persuaded, now lives in you also.” 2 Timothy 1:5

Steps I am taking:

• Exploring the work of God in the life of my disciples through their spiritual ancestors.
• I continue to get to seek and find those who are in my spiritual family tree.
• I am introducing my disciples to my spiritual ancestors.
• I am more aware of my role in the life my spiritual descendants. (My spiritual grandchildren and great-grandchildren.)

Today on the phone I was asked, “What are the tools that you use to make disciples of Jesus?  Is there a model that you follow? How do you teach your disciples the Bible? Is there a course that you take your disciples through?”

Although there is a place for tools in disciple-making, what is paramount is that the disciple is loved well.  I have seen cases where a good teacher has attempted to use teaching to make disciples but because he did not know how to build relationships the disciple-making process broke down and so the teacher became frustrated with himself or he thought his disciple “just didn’t get it” and moved on to someone else.  (Not to mention the discouragement that the disciple must have felt in being disappointed in yet another relationship.)

A person can hide behind a curriculum or “what I know” rather than having the courage to step out to lay down his life for another. To love is to make yourself vulnerable to rejection and disappointment.

Teaching does plays a critical role in disciple-making but what differentiates the teaching in disciple-making from other forms of teaching is that it takes place in the context of a loving relationship as demonstrated by Jesus and Paul. It is the love of the discipler that activates the teaching in the heart of the disciple.

Recently my family participated in a baby naming ceremony for a Nigerian child who is a niece of my brother-in-law. In the beginning of the ceremony there is solemnity as the extended family accepts and blesses the child and then things turn festive with clapping, laughter, and food to celebrate the arrival of this new family member.

My parents arrived late due to a schedule conflict and as soon as they walked into the room the atmosphere changed. People jumped up, a videographer started filming, and a photographer started taking pictures as the new father and mother, dressed in formal Nigerian clothing, presented the baby with pomp to my mom and dad.

I do not speak Hausa and was unsure of what was going on around me and so at the first convenient break I asked my brother-in-law what was happening?

He explained that because my mom and dad were the oldest people in our family (84 and 79) that they were the most honored guests at the ceremony.  He went on to say that his own mom is now the oldest member of his tribe and therefore the most revered.  Daily people come to his mother’s home in Nigeria in order for her to bless them.

• There is a beauty in tying together the eldest with the youngest.

• Our spiritual family in Chicago is seeking ways to honor the elderly and to bring together the elderly with the young.

• Connecting the young with the elderly brings identity and belonging to both.

I spent this past weekend with Taylor and Jimmye Gardner who discipled me over thirty years ago. Being with the Gardners I was reminded of what it means to follow Jesus and of the kingdom values that they have exemplified throughout their lives.

To name a few:

• Love.  To freely express affection and appreciation with others.

• A Servant’s Heart.  Promptly lay down your life for others at the time of their need.

• A Surrendered Heart. My trust in the Lord is evidenced my surrender to him.

• Hospitality.  To open your home, marriage, and family to share the love of Jesus with others.  The dinner table is a place of ministry.

• To Listen Well.

• Believe in People. I always walk away from the Gardners feeling like I could charge hell with a water pistol.

• Role of Suffering.  We must enter into the suffering of others because it is there that God is at work in their lives conforming them to become like Jesus and therefore advancing the kingdom of God.

• Prayer.  I still remember sitting at the Gardner’s breakfast table 35 years ago praying through a stack of cards that had the names and/or pictures of individuals for whom they prayed regularly.