Category Archives: Spiritual Growth

Teaching Your Disciple How to Forgive #1

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Sin generates tragedy. Gerald wept openly in the IHOP as he told me that he had gotten two women pregnant within a month, neither of whom he wanted to marry, and both mothers wanted to keep the baby. He said to me, “Do you know how scary it is to have your behavior out of control?”

It is easy to be preoccupied with your disciple’s destructive behavior and its consequences (How to pay child support for two babies for 18 years?) and miss its cause. The drama of his escapades can become a welcome diversion for both you and your disciple from the more difficult challenge of dealing with the root cause. I say a welcome diversion because to face the cause behind his injurious behavior will require trust, fortitude, perseverance, and courage for both of you.

For you there is the risk of your disciple pushing you away or rejecting you, as you edge closer to the shame that he has covered for years. For the disciple you are asking him to place himself in the vulnerable position of trusting you and the Lord as he faces his greatest fears and most painful memories. Many will choose to continue on the path of destructive behavior, no matter how grave the consequences, rather than to face the cause.   The root in most cases is bitterness that is tied to their hurt.

In closing:

  1. Expect your disciple to either lash out at you or to disappear as you begin to explore the hurt and fear in his life. This is normal.
  2. Although you have to deal with the consequences of his behavior, you must also keep a balanced approach of searching for the root cause.
  3. The process of discovering root causes will take months and years rather than days and weeks.

Using Symbols To Find Significance

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As a disciple maker you may need to help your disciple discern where he has displaced God in his life and if so with whom or what.  Mankind is constantly searching for substitutes for God. The Israelites displaced God with a gold calf while Paul tells us in the book of Romans that man has exchanged the Creator God with created things.

Insecurity and delusional thinking will cause your disciple to attach himself to a symbol that represents for him a value that he believes will contribute to his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his opinion of himself.   He thinks that if he wears a particular piece of clothing, owns the latest cell phone, has a girlfriend, or belongs to a specific group of friends that somehow their importance will rub off on him.  He seeks to find value by association.

Discerning symbols is tricky because what is significant for one person may have no meaning to another.  For one man the type of automobile he drives is an important statement while for another a car is nothing more than a means to get from one place to another.

Insecurity comes from placing my trust in anything or anyone that can be taken away from me.  Good looks will age, abilities will fade, cars will rust, and relationships may fail.  Security for your disciple can only be found in his placement of trust and value in God.

In closing:

  1. The Lord will use suffering to wean your disciple off of misplaced trust.
  2. Help your disciple bridge to new friendships with people who are secure followers of Jesus.
  3. Read and discuss Israel’s distrust in God and their misplaced trust during the Exodus.  (Numbers 14; Deuteronomy 1 & 6)

The Role of Friendships in Making Disciples #1

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Friendships are a mirror of who a person is.  If you want to understand your disciple, get to know his friends.  Your disciple has chosen his friends and his friends have chosen him.

Parents, you should not be nearly as concerned about friends being a bad influence on your child as who your son or daughter chooses as a friend because the choice of friends is a reliable indicator of the inner man of your child.  Another window into your child’s heart is who chooses your son or daughter as a friend, because like attracts like.  Children know how to deceive their parents, teachers, coaches, youth pastors, and disciplers but friendships expose a person for who he really is.

Often when I point out this friendship mirror principle to my disciples it makes them uncomfortable. One guy recently said to me, “But I don’t want to become like my friends!” even though he was already exactly like his friends.  It is comfortable to live in denial believing that I am in a better condition than my friends, when in reality friendships are an accurate diagnostic tool for my heart condition.

Three Steps Forward Two Steps Back #3

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The dark side of man enjoys the failure of others, regrettably even in the lives of family and friends.  This is evident in our appetite for gossip and our eagerness to hear of the drama in the lives of others. (By drama I mean the failure, conflict, hurt, sin, hatred, and hardship brought on by selfishness.)  Unhealthy people build their relationships around this drama, so that without the drama they have no relationships.

As a disciple of Jesus you must guard your heart against this taste for gossip and drama, which frankly is evil.   There is a fine line between entering into the life story of your disciple and being sucked into the self-centered drama of his life.  For some of your disciples the only way they will know how to relate to you is by creating drama, which may explain his unusual behavior and attitude towards you.

Not only is our nature drawn to the failure of others but Satan also draws our attention and the attention of our disciple to his steps backward, which can blind both of us to his progress.  Spiritual progress is difficult to perceive, much like the growth of a child, whereas failure is obvious.

Love, on the other hand, has the faith and strength to detect the baby steps of growth.  Paul tells us that: “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth” 1 Corinthians 13. Our disciples should sense from us optimism grounded in a conviction that the gospel and the Holy Spirit are able to transform lives.

Disciple Making and Children #2

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Recently I was with a Jewish couple that had converted from Judaism to Christianity.  One difficulty in the transition was the home life.   Judaism had provided for them a template for a Jewish home (e.g., keeping the Sabbath, Passover, and feasts, etc.), whereas Christianity gave them little help on what a Christian home should look like.  (Other than they were told to be sure and get their children into Sunday school and youth group.)  As Voddie Baucham points out, Christianity’s approach to ministry communicates to parents: “leave the spiritual training of your children to the professions.” [1]

God gave the Israelite parent the responsibility for the spiritual training of their child.  To be an Israelite meant to train children for a lifetime-not only were they expected to teach their own children but also their grandchildren.  “…teach them to your children and to their children after them.” (Deuteronomy 4:9-10)

Since God is familial (Father-Son-Holy Spirit) the best environment for a child to learn and experience the nature of God is in a family.  Are there benefits for a child in attending Sunday school, children’s ministry, vacation bible school, and youth group? Sure.  But the best context for him to experience sacrificial love, belonging, grace, and a servant’s heart is in a home.  Here, day after day, year after year, a child learns what it means to belong in a family just as the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are in perfect union.

[1] Voddie Baucham  http://media.sermonindex.net/15/SID15607.mp3

 

When Your Disciple Dramatically Fails #3

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There is no simple formula for making disciples.  The Modern Western approach would like for you to think that to mix the right ingredients, at the right time, will result in a disciple.  I am humored at publishers trying to simplify the disciple making process into a step-by-step curriculum.  Disciples are made as a result of the triadic relational interaction between the disciple, discipler, and the Holy Spirit.  These relationships are complex, mysterious, and often risky; this is why many would rather choose a safe, non-relational approach to ministry.  Programs can be done without a relationship, disciple making cannot.

The bond of love between you and your disciple will not only draw you into his failures, but you may find yourself the object of his failure, even as Jesus was the object of Peter’s betrayal.  If Jesus’ disciples brought him pain, what makes me think that my disciples will not hurt me?  If Paul’s disciples brought anxiety and disappointment to his life, what makes me think that I will not experience the same questioning and betrayal?

Forgiveness is the nature of God and therefore an important lesson for your disciple to learn.    A disciple learns how to forgive by being forgiven by his discipler, just as Jesus forgave Peter after his very public failure.  (I can hear Jesus’ critics saying, “What kind of teacher is this Jesus guy anyway?  Look!  Even his own disciples have betrayed him!” ) To lay down your life for your disciple is to open yourself up to hurt, pain, and maybe even public ridicule.

Though we were an enemy of God, he took the initiative in seeking an adoptive relationship with us to become his children.  Paul writes: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:6-8). Your disciple’s behavior may not deserve your love, but that is beside the point.  Love reaches out to her enemies and to those who betray her.

A couple of closing thoughts:

  1. Your forgiveness of your disciple is an opportunity for him to understand the forgiveness and love of God.
  2. You are able to forgive your disciple because Jesus paid for his sin on the cross.  (Even his sin against you.)
  3. To Parents.  Children are a disciple of their parents.  Your child will fail somewhere along the way and bring you heartache, disappointment, and possibly public shame.  You are to forgive as Jesus forgave Peter.  (Be aware.  Your other children are watching how you handle the failure of their siblings.)

When Your Disciple Dramatically Fails #2

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Making disciples requires patience.  Not only is the process slow but your disciple will have setbacks along the way.  Often these failures do not occur until months or even years into the relationship.  I find encouragement in the fact that Peter failed even after spending three years with Jesus.  Here he had received life giving instruction, he had experienced a selfless love, he had belonged to a dynamic community, he had tasted personal ministry successes, and he was an eyewitness to many miracles.  If anyone should have “known better” it was Peter.

A disciple’s failure is not a disruption to disciple making, rather it is a crucial part of the process.  The Holy Spirit puts together perfect circumstances with precise timing in order to test the faith of your disciple.  As Fenelon wrote over 300 years ago:  “God’s way accomplishes His purpose quicker than anything you could think of.  God is able to seek out and destroy the roots of self love.  You, on your own, could never find those hidden roots…” [1] A discipler joins the Holy Spirit during these tests to instruct and demonstrate the grace of God in order to strengthen the faith of his disciple.

Rather than disqualifying your disciple, his worst failure serves as a reference point for the grace of God throughout his life.   I doubt the sting of his denial of Jesus ever left Peter.   The grace of God does not erase the memories of our sin rather it uses memories to channel our thoughts and emotions to the love of God.  A disciple’s failure gives him a benchmark of the depth of the mercy God.  No matter how deep his failure the love of God goes even deeper.

It was out of his experience of failure and restoration that Peter could write 30 years later:

“…You may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials.  These have come so that your faith…may be proved genuine…” (1 Peter 1: 6 &7)

[1] Fenelon, Francois The Seeking Heart (Jacksonville: Christian Books Publishing House, 1992) p. 10.

 

The Absorbency of Love

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Love has the strength to absorb. This absorbency is seen in Paul’s description of love in 1 Corinthians 13:   “Love is patient, love is kind . . . it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs . . . it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” Jesus was able to absorb the immature behavior of his disciples and even their abandonment on the night of his crucifixion.

An evidence of love’s absorbency will be your ability to listen to your disciple, especially during times of failure in his life.  A person who does not love has a hard time making room in his heart to listen.  Our natural response to someone’s failure is disappointment, which turns to frustration, and finally anger.  Our tendency is to try and “fix” others by instruction.  (If only he would listen to me!) We would be better advised to listen to our disciple at times of their failure rather than just instructing.  To listen intently will give you an understanding of the problem and then at an appropriate time you are able to give right counsel to your disciple.  (Often I ask my disciple to give me 48 hours after our initial conversation so that I can process what he has said to me.)

Listening is a powerful form of love that transforms the life of your disciple.  (This is why I believe prayer is an essential part of spiritual growth.  When I pray God has all the time in the universe to listen to me and his infinite love is able to absorb my rambling, joys, frustration, sin, and failure).  As M. Scott Peck has said: “The principal form that the work of love takes is attention. When we love another we give him or her our attention…by far the most common and important way in which we can exercise our attention is by listening…listening well is an exercise of attention and by necessity hard work.”[1]

[1] Peck, M. Scott “The Road Less Traveled” (Austin: Touchstone Publishing, 1998)

Love and Right Thinking

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One of the first things to do as a discipler is to stabilize your disciple.  When someone is insecure because of rejection, loneliness, shame, or detachment, not only does his mind not think clearly, he can be irrational.  (A simple illustration of this was your inability to concentrate for a test or to make good choices after your college girlfriend broke up with you.)  What brings an inner steadiness to your disciple is an understanding of God’s love.  Paul writes of this stability in Ephesians 4 “…being rooted and established in love…” Later Paul connects love and right thinking in Philippians: “And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ…” (This is not a quick process and usually takes months.)

I begin the relationship by asking my disciple to share his story so that I can listen for the points of suffering, rejection, voids, hurt, and disappointments in his life.  His life stories give me insight into his inner man and God’s approach in his life.  It is at these points of suffering that I introduce him to the sovereignty of God. The sovereignty of God is made of up of three strands:

  • God’s Power- God’s power means God is able to do anything that is in harmony with His wise and holy and perfect nature.
  • God’s Wisdom- God’s wisdom means that God always chooses the best purpose and the best means to that purpose.
  • God’s Love- God’s love means that God eternally gives of Himself to others.  (This definition understands love as self-giving for the benefit of others.)

Stories are powerful conveyers of truth.  I refer to the life stories of biblical characters to illustrate the Lord’s sovereignty in the life of his children. (e.g.  Joseph, Moses, Ruth, Esther, David, Daniel, Elizabeth, Mary, etc.)  Disciples relate differently to different biblical characters, so we explore the various characters until we find one that resonates with him.

Teaching Your Disciple How to Love #2: The Meaningful Touch

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Creating an environment where affection is natural and meaningful is an essential component of the discipling process.  Not only is physical affection necessary between the discipler and his disciple, but it is also important for your disciples to be affectionate with one another.  As affection is a natural expression of love in a healthy family, so it should be among the children of God.

Four times the apostle Paul exhorts his disciples to be physically affectionate with one another by “Greeting one another with a holy kiss”  (Romans 16:16; 1 Corinthians 16:20; 2 Corinthians 13:12; 1 Thessalonians 5:26). Robert Banks explains the significant role of affection among believers in his work Paul’s Idea of Community.  He argues:

Two final physical expressions of fellowship remain.  ‘Greet all the brethren with a holy kiss.’ Paul says to his first converts in Thessalonica and to the recipients of his letters in Corinth and Rome.  To interpret this action as merely a formal or secondary procedure would be to underestimate its importance.  Not as significant as baptism and the Lord’s Supper, it does, like the laying on of hands, play an important role in early Christian communal life.  By means of this action the bond between each member of the church was given real, not merely symbolic, expression. [1]

Luke’s writing gives us a glimpse into the freedom that Paul’s disciples had in expressing their affection with him.  ”When he (Paul) had said this, he knelt down with all of them and prayed. They all wept as they embraced him and kissed him.” (Acts 20:36-37). Although our culture may be uncomfortable in expressing affection with a kiss, I do believe that our affection needs to go beyond a handshake; even strangers will exchange a handshake.

A mark of spiritual maturing in the life of a disciple is an ease of giving and receiving affection.  Awkwardness with affection could be an indicator of a deeper issue in the life of the disciple. It is also important for the discipler to monitor the affection between group members because it is an indicator how well the disciples are relating with one another.  It is difficult for a disciple to be affectionate with someone with whom he is disappointed or at odds.

[1] Banks, Robert, “Paul’s Idea of Community”, (Peabody: Hendrickson Publishers, Inc., 1994), p.85.